Empower Yourself, Take a Beat Before You Say Yes or No

I groaned inwardly “Why did I just agree to that?” I wondered, quite annoyed at myself.

Being a person of my word, I knew I needed to set a reminder in my calendar to get it done. “Why did I just take on a task that I really did not want to do?” I berated myself again.

Twice I reset the reminder, the third time I deleted it altogether. Another week went by and I saw the person I’d agreed to help a couple of times. Each time it weighed heavily on my mind, I wanted to say something but the right words just didn’t come out. Thankfully she didn’t ask.

Then, finally, over the school holidays I decided I couldn’t just ignore it. So I started an email to say that I’d put the task off several times because, despite having an apparent knack for design, it’s not something I really enjoy. Then I shared how I would go about it if I were doing the task, and hoped that was of some help at least.

I also volunteered to do some editing of the words within the design if she could put them in the body of an email. That I can do really effectively, quickly and painlessly.

Buoyed by this, it gave me a flash of inspiration to email another person I’d asked a favour of myself some 18 months or so ago; to mend a beautiful piece of craftwork that I had originally bought from her but the kids had subsequently damaged.

I shared my own experience of being asked to do something that I had a knack for but didn’t enjoy and said it had occurred to me I’d probably done the same to her, to feel free to pass back the craftwork undone. This was also liberating as I’d been wondering how to approach the subject since it was a favour she was doing and had drifted for so long.

Glad of the prompt she shared she’s done most of the repair but the last part had languished, and was insightful enough to say that was “the story of her life” and she would be glad to pass it back.

Then I watched as life played back to me again this empowerment from saying a discerning “no” when the character Miranda Bailey, Chief of Surgery in Grey’s Anatomy, took her high heeled shoes that she absolutely hated wearing and swapped them back for her old surgical clogs. The storyline was exploring the perceived pressures to be or do something because of a culture created by society.

The key to it all is discernment. As many times that I say ‘yes’ when I should really be saying ‘no’, the opposite is also true.

It would be rare for a day to go by and I haven’t said ‘no’ to the kids simply because I am feeling too distracted to turn my attention to making it a ‘yes’. When I’m in the midst of running the gauntlet of tasks between school pick up and bedtimes I am usually feeling distracted and somewhat overwhelmed, the likelihood of me saying ‘yes’ to anything the kids ask is slim.  

Being kids, they give instant feedback, usually either rather loudly, or, silently, as the slip away and do what I just said ‘no’ to anyway…

Given that we think 60,000 to 70,000 thoughts a day, and the vast majority are on autopilot, a replay of your collective past thoughts in your subconscious mind, it’s fair to say discernment requires practice. That means taking a step back for a while when you are about to say yes or no to something or someone.

Most of us have an automatic pattern of yes and no. Personally I know I say ‘no’ to my kids too much too quickly in some circumstances, and ‘yes’ in other situations where a ‘no’ would serve better. With other people, I have been guilty of over-committing as in my example above, not wanting to let others down or make them feel bad.

Taking a beat to examine the motives behind our response can be enlightening. I find, in saying no to the kids, I’m often denying them an opportunity to learn and grow because I’m feeling too harried or stressed in the moment to actually invest a bit of time in helping them.

While I need to retain my sanity, it would also make sense to invest the time (at least occasionally) so they can become more independent and – frankly - hassle me less.

Then there are the times when great opportunities come along and I say an automatic no. Either I am too frazzled from the multitude of others things I’ve have taken on in a bid to please others, or am simply too scared to step out of my comfort zone.

That is why Jim Carrey decided to become a Yes Man (the movie). Seeing a desperate need to do something different with his life, his character started signing up for everything and his life experiences grew in rich and unimaginable (and, of course, hilarious) ways.

I’m reminded of the time my old yoga instructor got on touch to invite me along to her birthday celebrations at a yoga retreat. I almost rejected it out of hand.

So many good reasons not to go. For one, I’m not very sociable and knew none of her friends. I also like to spend the weekend with the kids, going away for the night was a big deal to them and me as they were still quite young. And, of course, this is not to mention it was an entire weekend of yoga; a two hour session is one thing, but two days…!

Yet something nagged at me. Two days cut off from the outside world seemed quite appealing. Two days with other women who were likely to at least share an interest in the deeper things of life. Two days of healthy eating, of contemplation and mediation. Also, I really like my old instructor and hadn’t seen her in a while.

Suffice to say it was an amazing weekend, it tested me at times but it was empowering and fulfilling.  

These are the things life is made of and I don’t want to miss them because I’m running on autopilot.

Taking the time to pause before I answer yes or no, discerning whether something will fill my cup or drain it, is something I’ve become much more mindful of.

What about you, are you running largely on autopilot? Would you benefit from taking a beat before you respond to a request? Are you brave enough to put yourself first more often? You may as well, because it’s only when we start to value ourselves other people can start to see the true value in us.

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