Don’t Argue, Inspire

When I feel strongly about something and it invokes in me feelings of anger or injustice, I will spend a lot of time arguing it out – mostly these days – in my head. I am very mindful of Rumi’s wise expression to “Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.”

It has taken me many years to come to understand that arguing isn’t going to get me very far. Sure, as a teenager I often wore my parents down through my determined ‘dog with a bone’ approach. Wearing someone down, though, is not a very satisfying outcome.

When someone capitulates simply because they no longer have the energy to fight about it, it feels like a hollow victory.

“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still” has resonated strongly since I can remember. But I have always felt I should say something rather than nothing, even if it was from a place of anger, indignation, resentment or sense of injustice. Speaking out against injustice was something I felt called to and still do.

Personal growth, however, has taken me on a journey to a point of examining my motives and understanding that expressing my anger – or anything similarly emotive – is only likely to invoke equally negative feelings in others and lead to aggressive opposition or passive avoidance of me and/or the topic at hand.

However, when I can inspire another view within someone, well, that is indeed satisfying.

It’s not that I’ve suddenly become a master visionary, able to conjure pictures within others that would have them walking on water. Nor have I become a master at asking questions in a non confrontational way that causes people to relook at their own beliefs with fresh eyes.

It’s more that I’m at a point of awareness about my reactions (and what they are likely to elicit if unleashed in their raw form) that is causing me to pause and examine what is going on before acting.

I’m not rolling over and saying or doing nothing in the face of injustice; I’m just learning a new way to express myself. It’s about taking the force of that energy that rises within me and using it in a more positive way.

Just last week I grappled with an issue that evoked such feelings of anger in me it exclusively consumed an entire day (and many hours since), with barely any time taken to make sure our family ate. Honestly, it feels so lowbrow and, frankly, quite embarrassing, to tell you that I was brought to my knees by something as ordinary as a school fair, but there it is.

Our school fair triggers me on two accounts. One is the lack of transparent communications from the school about the rather substantial voluntary efforts required from the parents of a particular class to organize the fair and the other is about being true to my authentic self.

In situations like this where a task is assigned without consultation or communication, I figure there will likely be mix of motivation and capacity. There are those very enthusiastic volunteers who would have put their hands up anyway, there are others who wouldn’t feel the urge to put up their hands but are happy to pitch in now they have been given the task and then there are those who, frankly, feel held hostage to the task and may only do it because they don’t want others to think badly of them (endemic in society today).  

Dwelling there for just a second, it elicits in me all sorts of feelings about being bullied, peer pressure, covert behaviours etc. Nothing inflammatory you understand….

The second issue is I’m not in the least bit wired towards or passionate about many of the practical things in life, nor a lot of social interaction, so this sort of activity drains my cup fast. And I have to tell you, whatever little is in that cup to begin with, gets swallowed up quickly just in the day to day practicality of living, looking after a family and supporting a business.

So if I park there for another second, I’m aware that it sparks all sorts of feelings within me about being true to myself, to do only what fuels me and ditch the rest. Most importantly it’s about living up to all that I’ve written so much about over the last few years.

When I put these two issues together, I realise what I am contending with is my own sense of guilt in the implications of being true to my authentic self, meaning I feel it will create more work for others if I am not participating. Then I feel the injustice of that guilt which arises because of the (rather covert) way someone has chosen to go about the task.

There is, after all, a much wider parent community and a broader community still that supports the school, from which more willing volunteers could be solicited I am sure.

However growth, in all its glory, comes from the very uncomfortable process of actually applying our enlightened ideals to our life – be it at home, in an office, or at a school, or anywhere else we spend our time and with anyone we interact with.

So I had given my apologies for this task to the school principle earlier in the year. Fully aware of my righteous indignation on this topic, I worked extremely hard to make sure my energy was in a more inspired place before writing and rewriting (again and again) an email that had a more of a matter of fact tone rather than an inflammatory one.

I didn’t try to resist all the feelings of anger inside, instead I meditated, got out in nature and did my ‘go to’ thing when I’m searching for answers, I wrote. I thought about the people in this class’s parent group who are enthusiastic about the activity and tried to put myself in their shoes, gaining more of an appreciation for our differences in the process. I thought about why the school even holds a fair, another contentious question that remains unanswered for many, and I answered it to my own satisfaction.

Luckily I had bumped into the principle the week before and we had chatted casually about the holidays, so I had held that image in my mind as I constructed the email I wanted to write, imaging myself bumping into her again, not wanting it to be ‘awkward’ because of something I’d written in the heat of the moment rather than in the cooler light of a fresh dawn.

All of that got me into a more balanced and inspired place to write the kind of email needed.

All went well, once I had excused myself from the task I felt a sense of relief… that was until last week when some of the organizing activity got underway and was in my face again. I was being asked by a parent to fill out a form indicating the top 3 preferences I had in the organizing activities.

There was a voice within me that immediately sounded the battle-cry and invoked energies akin to Mel Gibson’s rendition of William Wallace in Braveheart. “There is a time to shut up and there is a time to stand up” it said slyly.

Obsessed by my battle I wrote, and rewrote, again and again, a response I was going to send to the whole parent group involved. I read out a few versions to my long suffering partner, and then I prepared the distribution list…

Thankfully, as mentioned, I have long since learned the value of resisting the urge to press the trigger on an email too hastily. Fortunately I couldn’t just ‘reply all’ to the parent group and had to copy each name into the email individually, so pictured myself talking to each and every one of them. By that point, I knew I couldn’t send a group email, I knew it would make things worse not better. But what was I to do?

I meditated and heard a voice “The sun will rise and set, the world will keep spinning whether you say something or not. But you have a voice and a choice…. to inspire”.

I asked for help before I went to sleep “just give me the answer, what should I do?” I pleaded with that wiser part of me, a lone voice in my head casting off into the expanses of the Universe.

Inspiration comes knocking

Then, the next morning, a couple of things fell into my inbox in response. One was from someone who’d previously asked whether there is a (political) platform where I want to manifest my message or am I just flowing with whatever comes my way.  He said “love your answer”; I had to remind myself what I’d said:

If anything, my writing is my platform. But I don't see myself standing against anything, I believe resistance or 'pushing against' anything gives it power. Instead I am working hard to drop my defenses any time I feel them rise. I try to ignore, as best I can, anything I do not like or disagree with and, instead, build on the dreams of what could be. 

“Er, okay, reality check” I thought. There is no doubt that came from the wiser part of me! I had then gone on…

Our power is within, and any time we give away our power - whether to a partner, child, parent, government, doctor, teacher etc - or even an opinion someone has of us - our soul will not get aligned with it. The evolutionary path is one of conscious awareness, it's at an individual level. If we can work on that it will inspire others towards it. By changing our conversation within, we will change the world, no doubts.

Humility reestablished, something else then caught my attention, some words in an article by Dan Pederson:

Most of the time, when we enter into an argument, we’re lowering our standards. We’re lowering the bar of what’s important and we’re lowering the bar of how to communicate properly.
Set the bar high. Force people to come up to your level. Not in a pretentious way, but in a way that says “we can do better”.

“Okay” I thought, “clarity is returning” – simultaneously with “thank goodness I didn’t send that email!”

Setting the Bar

Well, here is what I know, I know what I expect of any school we have chosen for our children. I expect that school representatives treat parents with dignity and respect, and vice versa. Whether little or much is expected of the parents in support of the school, it is communicated upfront and in reverence for a parent’s own needs and priorities.   

Ergo, I need do no more than that which was agreed upfront (which was only to help on the day of the fair itself). No need for more apologies or defence.

Again I took a ‘shoe on the other foot’ tactic in my imagination and thought about all the people who do enjoy this activity and willingly give their time. I also thought about those who less willingly give their time, and realised it’s just all part of the personal growth journey; we are each in a different place and free to make our own choices.

Something that I read in the minutes of the first school fair meeting came to mind. It was something I had previously disregarded as it is preceded in such a way that elicited a sarcastic “yeah right” response from me at first. But, now in a better space, I decided to take it at face value:

“those who can’t give as much need to have no guilt about it.”

So, in the end, I simply sent an email to the lead organizer (who had also previously been copied into the email I’d sent to the school principle giving my apologies) asking to be removed from the distribution list for all the fair organizing activity.

Funnily enough, the lead organizer reflected back to me in her response the sentiments I’d read in the minutes of the meeting, to feel no guilt. To me, this is testament to where I’ve managed to get my energy on this issue. 

What it comes down to is that arguing, whether about a school fair, or an issue in a more personal relationship, or – in fact – on behalf of a whole segment of society, can pour oil on the fire. People become entrenched in their views, whether outwardly or inwardly.

In being true to the authentic part of me, saying yes only to the things that fuel me, I know will inspire others to the same if I use the negative emotions to inspire positive action within me instead. It doesn’t mean necessarily a whole group of parents will follow suit this year and give their apologies.

However, it may mean they reflect on it later and notice, in me giving my apologies, no one died (not letting others down is a survival instinct) and I have not been socially outcast as a result. It may give others the confidence to say ‘no’ to something else in future.

In fact, because I didn’t let the negative emotion spew outwards and vilify those involved and, instead, used it to fuel my own growth and resolve, I am able to happily look the principle and the fair organizer in the eyes with a smile as we pass momentarily in the school playground. More wonderfully, I see their eyes smiling back rather than avoiding contact.

This whole journey with the school fair is just about me learning to embrace who I am, being true to myself without making any apologies. This has given me confidence which will make it easier the next time I say ‘yes’ to myself in the face of an opposing request.

And who knows, in time, by overcoming my own fears and embracing who I am, perhaps that will inspire others to uncover their authentic self and say ‘yes’ to themselves too.

To Rumi’s point, rain is made of small droplets whose effects are felt and seen depending on the quantity of water falling. Water being something that works its way around and into things, helping what is natural to grow while at the same time harbouring the ability to destroy those things that are not natural or authentic.

If something isn’t sitting right with you, explore it. Figure out why it’s making you feel that way. Then act in the most positive way you can. Even if it is clunky action that is better than not acting at all because it will just eat away at you inside. Say ‘yes’ to you and you will inspire others to the same.

If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me. There’s no charge or strings attached, I truly enjoy helping where I can, click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.