As a parent, two issues that I have really struggled with, and been out of synch with my partner on, are TV and processed foods. From early on I noticed my kids seemed to exhibit addictive behaviour around these two things.
What does addictive behaviour look like? There is never enough TV or so called treats, there are long drawn and often violent reactions to the withdrawal of these things, a constant longing for them to the exclusion of other, healthier, alternatives (like a trip to the park, or a good meal), and frankly there is a lack of motivation and connection to life. But I don’t think the issue is the TV or processed foods; I believe the issue is why they are drawn to them. The same could be said of any addiction. As a society, it seems that certain things (take drugs as an example) are vilified and criminalized even, while other potentially (more) harmful and addictive things (like cigarettes, alcohol, TV, social media etc) are legal and commonplace. This week I was talking to someone who is in the process of firmly drawing some boundaries around the behaviours she will accept from an alcoholic partner. She understands where the desire to numb likely comes from; it is a result of a family history and trauma most of us would agree was horrific. However, Dr Gabor Maté, a Hungarian-born Canadian physician (and Jewish survivor of the Holocaust) says of childhood trauma “yes this includes terrible events such as sexual exploitation, violence etc, but it also refers to any set of events that, over time, impose more pain on the child than his or her sensitive organism can process and discharge. Trauma can occur when parents are too stressed, too distracted, too depressed, too beset by economic worry, too isolated etc to respond to a sensitive child’s need to be seen, emotionally held, heard, validated, made to feel secure. Thus, this is the kind of pain that also occurs in normal, happy, childhoods.” I can easily see why my kids would have felt the need to soothe themselves using TV or treats, in a world where I – as a normal parent in this day and age – went to work and they spent most of their days in another person’s home with someone who (albeit lovely and loving) was not their mother. And when I was around them I was certainly stressed and distracted a lot of the time. In Beyond Drugs: The Universal Experience of Addiction, Dr Gabor Maté says “addiction is neither a choice nor an inherited disease, but a psychological and physiological response to painful life experiences.” Most addicted people use no drugs at all… Addiction is manifested in any behaviour a person craves, finds temporary relief or pleasure in but suffers negative consequences as a result of and yet has difficulty giving up…It can encompass any human behaviour from work to shopping, sex to eating, extreme sports to TV to compulsive internet use, the list is endless.” When Maté asks his patients what their addictive focus gives them, universally the answers are about coping with stress, escaping emotional pain, giving peace of mind, a sense of control or connection with others. As I said in Our Sensitive Souls, “For those of us that are sensitive in our temperament, Maté’s work may lend some interesting insights to assist in healing the scars that run deep in our psyche. In an increasingly frenetic world, where overstimulation abounds, we have a job to do in helping ourselves and our children understand and nurture our strengths”. To do this job well, I also have to understand the coping mechanisms, soothers or addictions, which have nestled into the cracks. Becoming aware of what I do, what my partner does and what the kids do in order to tune out/zone out/escape reality is a vitally important step in being able to meet life head on and find emotional balance. Talking with someone else this week, who has a grandchild diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder), I can see how it has served me to give in to my children’s desire for more screen time because, honestly, dealing with the constant emotional tantrums and outbursts is exhausting and screen time provides a welcome reprieve. However, it does not help my kids to be present, nor happy, in the world around them. It doesn’t help them to find ways to regulate their emotions, build resilience, connect with other people and build relationships and patience, As Simon Sinek says in this clip about the Millennial Generation, where will they find real joy? The same is true of any addiction. If I can’t find my way through pain without tuning out or numbing myself against it, what chance do I have of finding real joy in my life? And what does that mean for the people around me? These words came to me “I love all your broken pieces, but I can't live with you treating me like I'm the one who broke you. When you learn to recognise and love those jagged edges the way I do, then we can live in love.” Addiction causes pain to those around us, the ones we supposedly love. Any addiction points to pain, which points to childhood coping mechanisms that require healing. Recognising and dealing with the consequences of our childhood trauma seems to me to be the most important thing we can collectively do to open the pathway to more joy. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Learn to See What Is in Plain Sight and Leverage Your Feelings to Find Your Authentic Self. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog
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“Humans are the most violent and the most compassionate creatures on Earth, the most destructive and the most creative” the commentator said. I was watching a short video about what animals think and feel and it concluded that all animals do think and feel to an extent; it’s just that humans are more extreme.
If I dwell on the atrocities that have and still do occur among humans, it pierces my heart and makes me feel small and helpless. But if I spend time focusing on compassion and creativity; I feel that the whole world within me opens up to a brighter and better future, because it helps me be more present in the world instead of enslaved to my past. Shauna Shapiro talked about this very issue in a podcast I was listening to this week, about having an attitude of kindness and curiosity to allow the parts of the brain, that increase our motivation to learn and create more of an open perspective, to function freely. In contrast, she pointed out that when we get stressed we shuttle resources from learning and being open and receptive to survival pathways (the fight, flight, freeze, faint responses) and we are unable to learn. Here are the words that resonated for me: “Really, when it comes down to this basic understanding of how we learn, I think this is why our educational systems, parenting systems and many others have failed, we learn when we feel safe and interested, and that is the kind of internal environment I want to help people create for themselves.” This, I believe, is the very way to make a positive difference in the world today. And it is no more obvious than in our closest relationships. Shauna Shapiro mentions parenting and, as a parent of two young children, that certainly rings true. As I’ve often quoted, in the words of Dr Gabor Maté: “It is often not our children’s behaviour, but our inability to tolerate their negative responses that creates difficulties. The only thing the parent needs to gain control over is our own anxiety and lack of self control.” In Reclaim the Sovereignty of Your Soul I conclude “The anxiety we feel as parents in response to our children’s negative reactions, is the same anxiety we felt as a result our own parent’s reactions.” But the same is true in our other relationships. James Redfield’s model of the control strategies that we each develop in order to stop others draining our energy is summarised in Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation. For example, I noticed how defensive I got this week when my partner tried to talk to me about how he was feeling. Rather than feeling safe and open to really hearing him, I automatically sprang into a mode that felt nothing short of pull up the drawbridge, secure the perimeter and ready the cannons. I then noticed how this pattern, rather like a blame game of tennis going back and forth, was reinforcing the patterns from our respective childhoods. To use James Redfield’s Interrogator archetype, he says if a child is constantly questioned, criticized, nagged and faults found, it makes the child self conscious and erodes their confidence. As I grew, I learned how not to let my energy be drained in this way and, instead, refuted each criticism admirably, tussling to maintain an even field or win the upper hand. However, on the inside, the criticism ate me up, which is why I became such an approval seeker (see I Am a Recovering Approval Seeker and Control Freak). My partner has his own demons, but none of these are really the fault of our parents, these patterns have been repeating subconsciously for generations. I think it is highly unlikely there is a person alive today who is not dealing with some version of this. In fact, I would bet that beneath the mask of history’s most vile monsters and egotistical maniacs is a small boy or girl who is hurt. What makes this time in history different, I believe, is that many people are becoming aware of the roots of our shame and insecurities. This is a time in which I am free to explore taking different roads of action in my closest relationships. Learning to feel safe and curious is a process. Certainly my kids don’t shy away from blaming me for everything in their life they are unhappy about, and I often feel my partner is not far behind them. At what point did I become an emotional dumping ground I wonder? This too is an unhealthy pattern pointing to a need for healing within me. While I’ve discovered The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, I also find that most people are still quick to blame others if they are unhappy; few seem to take responsibility for their own growth. It does seem a tad unfair that I’m taking responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings, rather than blaming others, and at the same time having others blame me for their woes. However, playing boo hoo is not going to serve me nor help me move forwards. As I wrote about in Whose Energy Is This Anyway? Stop Taking on Board How Others Are Feeling I am learning to notice when I’m taking on others’ negative energy, and ways in which to deflect their own feelings back to them. My old patterns won’t die overnight, but they are getting more recognizable. Knowing these for what they are gives me a greater sense of safety, and being interested in what others are thinking and how they are feeling, creates a sense of compassion for them as I gain more clarity on their deeper issues and realise we’re all tussling with the same things. That does not mean I have to accept blame from others. As Buddha said, if you give me a gift and I don’t accept it, it is still yours. Therefore, if you are angry, resentful or frustrated at me, it really is up to me to decide whether or not to get insulted and angry in return. In fact the gift I recognise is that on some level I am still blaming myself as I did when I was a child, creating this constant need to be perfect and not elicit any criticism. I am quick to defend externally and quick to accept internally. So I have to look at each thing directed at me and be curious about whether this is something I need to take accountability for, or is this something that is about me learning to love myself more, to have self compassion. If we can each begin to recognise our patterns of thought and behaviour and regard them with curiosity and self compassion, we will slowly start to change the patterns of behaviour we reflect into the world. Won’t it be fabulous to hear far more compelling tales of compassion from our species than violence, and see many more examples of creativity than destruction? Now that is a world we can thrive in. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Do You Want The Prevailing Global Culture to Look Like?, We Can Live in Harmony. How Can I Create a Better World?and Be an Evolutionary (Rather Than a Revolutionary). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. I had been watching a video on the topic of people pleasing last week, and having healthy boundaries, and was thinking I was less of a people pleaser (in the sense of saying yes to them when I really want to say no) and more of an approval seeker.
Although I will make the decision to say yes to me, I often explain my rationale, I want people to approve my right to make my own decision, whether they agree with the actual decision or not is unimportant. I’m like a dog with a bone. In fact I recall someone describing my use of words as both a gift and curse. She likened me using explanations like using a drug, and feeding others on that drug. I have a clear understanding of where this comes from. As a child I, like most people, was taught that what I wanted was less important than what others wanted for or from me. There were punishments for disobeying or misbehaving, and so – being strong willed and persistent - the coping mechanism I developed was to try to persuade (generally my parents, then later teachers, coaches, employers and partners) through logical argument. This need for approval could also be called a need for validation. After pondering this I serendipitously got sent a short video called Validation. It’s quite cool, a great little pick me up and reminder that we each have amazing and unique qualities that we would do well to focus on. It does, however, perpetuate this idea of other people validating us before we can be happy. As I said in The Magic of Those Who Believe in You, those people who have and do lift me up in life are truly magical; I need the cheerleaders for sure. But what about those others, the ones I love and who love me, who may want the best for me, but are limited by their own horizons? Marlena Tillhon-Haslam says “The way you treat yourself and how you let others treat you shows how much or how little you really value yourself. So notice the standards you set. Notice what you tolerate. This will tell you whether or not you value yourself.” I notice. As someone who firmly believes that there is no one right way for everyone, that we all have our own opinions and priorities, I long to have my own beliefs and priorities respected. But I have tolerated too much. From those closest to me, I have tolerated my beliefs about healthcare being derided; I have tolerated my prioritised spending on self care appointments being resented and vilified; I have tolerated my parenting being heavily criticized; I have tolerated demeaning (so called) jokes. I could go on. These are the things that send me into approval seeking mode. The initial phases of recognition and recovery are clunky. I blurt things out, I talk too much, I feel tears coming and I feel totally vulnerable. But I reclaim the ground my soul is calling me to stand upon. I have not been perfect either. Dorothy Law Nolte said a child who is constantly criticised learns to condemn, and it’s a habit I notice I step into when I’m feeling resentful, underappreciated and/or overwhelmed; I want to step away from doing it. I have also done a lot of work on learning from my anger as I wrote about Let Anger Be Your Teacher While Learning to Become Its Master. But one of the biggest challenges I’ve faced is in trying to save others from themselves. Even though I know I can’t, and should not, I’m adept at seeing ten steps ahead and emotionally attuned to others. As a result I often try to smooth the way as much as possible, which can backfire, leaving those I’m trying to help feel resentful and me feeling underappreciated for my effort when I should have left well alone in the first place. While I’ve generally backed away from doing this with other people, certainly around my kids I’m still in that mode. Their tired, emotional meltdowns feel emotionally unsafe because they reverberate with the meltdowns I experienced from adults around me growing up. Just this morning my youngest daughter, who hasn’t been sleeping well (she is a bit anxious about returning to school), told me she didn’t want to go anywhere today because she is too tired. Ten minutes later she had a big meltdown because I said she couldn’t go on a long bike ride with her dad in a forest that is quite some distance from here. I knew my partner could really do with a big ride on his own to relax which she is not capable of doing at her age. Based on my experience, I imagined by the time they arrived at the forest after the long drive she wouldn’t even want to actually ride, which would frustrate the heck out of her dad. Anyway, he had said yes to her, so I wondered why I was even standing in the way of this valuable experience for both of them. Sure, tomorrow when I’m trying to get her back to school after the long summer break, her tired state will undoubtedly add to the intensity, but tomorrow is another day. She is better being in the forest riding with her dad than here fighting with her sister. Rather than anticipating others’ needs and trying to smooth the way, I know it is better for me to step the heck out of the way and allow them to learn from their own experience. But I also honour and recognise the child in me who, as one friend says, needed to ensure they weren’t swallowed up by a world that pressed in on them too much. There is a deep need to belong and be seen and yet a deep fear of belonging and being seen also. I started to write these articles almost five years age in an attempt to gain clarity and confidence about who I am, and it has given me that. But there was also a part of me using them initially as a way to seek approval for the things I believe in. Over time it has made it easier to speak my truth, because I now have more clarity and confidence in what that actually is rather than just feeling muddled. Nowadays writing these has become a disciplined way for me to reflect on what life is teaching me in the moment. As Eckhart Tolle says, “For presence to become deeply rooted, it must be tested in the fire of relationships.” As I continue I create stronger boundaries and slowly start to see changes in how those around me treat me, and how I treat them, I know how perfectly on point these lessons are. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Happens When You Accept Yourself And Stop Seeking Approval? And My Needs versus Yours. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. Earlier this year, when listening to a talk by Carol Look, I did a simple exercise to define what success would look like for me. Being a mum of two school age children, top of my list was the ability to centre myself and find calm amid the storms. More than anything, I wanted my words and behaviours to uplift and inspire rather than cut and criticize.
I have found that one of the hardest things to shake, though, is old patterns of behaviour. It’s been relatively easy to understand intellectually why I might react to someone (or a situation) in a certain way given my entry, upbringing and indoctrination into society; even achieving conscious awareness of my reactions in the moment has been possible with regular meditation and practice. However, the desire to change only took me so far; willpower and patience oftentimes ran out and old patterns kicked in. Conscious awareness of the often incongruence between my reactions and behaviours and the desire I hold within me for something different only increased my pain. What has really taken me across the final stretch to lasting change is accountability. In my case, I’m doing this work for my kids and myself, but it benefits every other relationship I have and will have. In her book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Dr Laura Markham says “How can you expect a child to learn to control his own emotions if you don’t control yours? … If you were yelled at, it takes tremendous work not to yell…it’s not rocket science, it takes about three months.” I followed her recommendation and created a tick sheet for myself that was titled “I will speak respectfully to my children”. They get to decide each day if I get a tick or a cross, and I’m glad to say the result so far is overwhelmingly ticks. That said, I am human and expect there will no doubt be occasions where I’m not a model of emotional regulation. By declaring my intention and following through with the daily check in, it’s given the kids both the comfort of knowing that their mum at least means well and the permission to pick me up on any reactions that don’t match with the intention I set. What I’ve noticed, is that the years of practicing meditation and becoming consciously aware of my thoughts and feelings in the moment have paid dividends. I am able to catch myself when I’m becoming exasperated and losing patience. I remember that my body is starting to kick into flight or flight mode only because of its association with the fears of my childhood. Being late, for example, is not akin to a tiger rushing at me, even though it rendered punishments in my early years and thus created this pattern of anxiety. This is the science and biology of entraining emotional regulation and new reactions; I have to create new pathways of response. I find my best course of action is to stay connected to the kids rather than spin off into the reactions that long since became automated. I get involved if we are late, calmly helping them to get ready, reminding myself the world will not collapse and I will suffer no serious consequence if we do, in fact, end up being late on that particular occasion. Accountability has helped me to clarify my intentions in my relationship with the children, and it has helped me to achieve success in that as the new norm. In going through this process day in and day out with my kids, it’s inevitably helped me in all my other relationships too, because I’m now practicing a pause before reacting. And the silver lining? Because it was top of my list in terms of what success would look like in my life, it’s brought me both a sense of meaningful achievement and a sweet, blissful peace. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Your Childhood Is Not Your Fault but It Will Be Your Limitation . To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog ...Until You Take Responsibility to Heal A few weeks ago I was listening to an extremely moving TEDx talk by Mataio Brown whose own childhood had been less than idyllic. He said “Your childhood trauma is not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility” and my heart sang loudly in response; I feel this speaks to the very core of what is needed to evolve individually and collectively right now.
I deliberated for quite a while about including the word trauma after childhood in the title but decided to leave it out. In my experience, people tend to associate the word trauma with things like physical and sexual abuse, warfare and life threatening illnesses to name a few. While these are unarguably traumatic and horrendous, most of us experience emotional and psychological trauma on some level that comes as part of a normal childhood. This is often caused completely subconsciously by well meaning parents, who themselves have grown in a form reflecting their own childhood. However, I feel this is an era where are becoming aware of these cycles and have a responsibility to break them. Trauma can arise from any event or situation that overwhelms a person’s ability to cope. This can range from issues with the way a parents interacts, to childhood illnesses, injuries and accidents, developmental trauma, exposure to violence and chronic stress to name a few. A trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience, so it makes sense to me that – especially as helpless babies and young infants beginning to interact with the world – it would be traumatizing to feel rejected in any way. For example, Dr Gabor Mate talks about certain disruptions in the attachment process leading to developmental trauma. To put that in plain English, I am talking about the job I might have to go to, which places my attention elsewhere, not on my infant seeking far more connection than I am able to give him or her. Or the constant distraction of a device and countless other things in this day and age when there is far more screaming for my attention than I am capable of giving. Then there are the inherited patterns of behaviour in our parents that we react to, and unwittingly develop patterns in response to. These are essential for our survival in childhood but become unhealthy patterns later in life, and will certainly pass on unless we take action. The best description I’ve seen of these is in James Redfield’s The Celestine Prophecy, he describes control strategies that we each develop in order to stop others draining our energy. These sit on a scale of aggressive to passive and he describes four archetypes; it’s often easiest if you start by taking a look at which strategies your parents employed:
Each of these are linked with the corresponding strategies that created them, and that they create. For example, Intimidators create Poor Me’s appealing for mercy, or, the child will endure until they are old enough and big enough to fight back, creating another Intimidator, and so the cycle continues. To break the cycle I have to become aware of the strategies I employ, and those being used by others around me. As James Redfield’s characters say, a person cannot play these strategies unless we play the matching drama. While the answer lies in becoming a more detached observer of our own interactions, rather than getting pulled into the drama, and calling out what is actually happening, this is something that requires learning and practicing new skills that I will talk about later. While I found these archetypes of how humans interact exceptionally useful, Jen Peters points out the many ways in which unhealed childhood trauma manifests:
This list is by no means exhaustive, but it gives an indication of the common types of ways in which childhood trauma can limit us in adulthood if we let it. Yet when I take responsibility for my shortcomings and seek to heal them, I break a cycle that has been repeating uninterrupted for thousands of years. I become less encumbered, more connected, happier and more able to fulfill my potential. I become the very best version of me, and the best partner, best mum, best friend, best sister, the best of me reflects into all my relationships. Circling back to the inspirational Mataio Brown telling his story in the TEDx talk, whose first memory of Christmas was as a three year old witnessing his father beat his mother half to death with the Christmas tree, he now says this of his father "That man who was my childhood monster, I now see his pain and loving him releases me to be the father for my children that I wanted". This is an excellent example of what Tony Robbins means when he says “Heal the boy and the man will appear”. Mataio could have become another generation of monster, or he could have played the Poor Me drama his whole life, instead he now campaigns with the slogan "She is not your rehab” and advocates for awareness and a healthier approach to childhood trauma. I agree wholeheartedly, and I also think you could easily widen the scope in the broader sense of trauma and say “your partner/your children are not your rehabilitation centre". As I’ve said before, whether psychologically, emotionally or physically The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth. There are many things in this world that need to change: poverty, having access to education for all and the way we treat the planet to name a few of the big ones. But I am swimming upstream until I take responsibility for my own healing. I realised life is not about having, life is about being, being who I truly am; not the misshapen version I’d become. Like most people, I would go to work to just exist, albeit it in a nicer lifestyle than that which I’d grown up in. It is easy to get distracted by the glittery baubles of day to day living, but they soon lose their sparkle yet require the money wheel to keep spinning anyway. Becoming the observer of my own life, consciously aware of what is really tripping me up, is one of the most fundamental skills I have learned; and that is a whole lot easier when I take regular time out to meditate. The other skill that helps me take ownership of my part in all of it, is building my energy through appreciation of the beauty and awe of intelligent design that abounds on this planet; in people, animals and our environment. The alternative, the default setting we have developed, is to steal energy from others, winning points in rounds of interactions. It is some time since Newton told us that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Well, here it is, this is what our actions and reactions among each other have come to look like after generations of just living on the wheel, acting and reacting subconsciously. There are many ways to heal childhood trauma, but the common thread between most that are successful is to recognise and learn from the emotions we have locked inside us. My own approach has been to deal with one issue at a time, starting with whatever is my biggest block or trigger in the moment, including what’s happening on a physical level with my body. I sometimes self heal using techniques and practices I’ve learned like The Completion Process, other times I use healthcare practitioners to help. I have some trusted confidantes that willingly dive into issues with me when they are raw and we keep each other honest, looking for the lessons rather than to blame, and I have a mentor that keeps me focused on the big picture. This is not easy, it is not quick work, but it is everything. Be the you that you are destined to become, you are not just destined to take from this Earth and provide for your family, get off that wheel. Until you feel connected to yourself you are cut off from your connection to everything else. You are here to be somebody, so wake up and be that person, this world needs you. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy some of my other articles like: Embody Your Spirituality – a Healing Journey, Learn to See What Is in Plain Sight, Leverage Your Feelings to Find Your Authentic Self, Be an Evolutionary (Rather Than a Revolutionary). To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog Anger, I’ve found, is a double edged sword. On one side it has the ability to damage and destroy relationships, on the other it has the ability to open wounds and allow deep healing and understanding to take place.
Behind this sits the other important double aspect of anger. There is the part that demands action as the feeling of it flows through the body, triggering it into flight of fight mode; it is this aspect that can destroy lives and, to avoid this, I must master my response to its call. Then there is the other aspect that is pointing to deeper learning. “The emotion arises in direct response to a perception that a personal (often subconscious) boundary is being challenged” says Teal Swan, “whether it’s physical, mental or emotional”. Anger is essentially the fear of pain, which is why it triggers our flight or fight response. Uncovering and challenging both my fears and boundaries has much to teach in the quest for self awareness, growth and authenticity. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, Gary Zukov relates “Authentic power is the ability to distinguish within you the difference between love and fear, and choose love no matter what it happening inside of you or outside of you.” I find this can be pretty challenging when it comes to anger, because that adrenaline coursing through my veins wants me to act in defense of my fears. To enable me to act with authentic power, I think there are three steps:
Set Myself up for Success Anger is an emotion that has cropped up in all aspects of my life, particularly in relationships and the workplace, but nothing has made things clearer to me than becoming a parent because nothing has confronted me as much. I’m with Alfie Kohn when he says “Even before I had children, I knew that being a parent was going to be challenging as well as rewarding. But I didn’t really know. I didn’t know how exhausted it was possible to become, or how clueless it was possible to feel, or how, each time I reached the end of my rope, I would somehow have to find more rope”. I was sharing with some friends one of those moments where I ran out of rope and started yelling at my daughter for her refusal to get in the car this week. We started talking about the things that trigger us into yelling at our kids. One said straight away: sibling fighting, having to repeat herself endlessly to get simple tasks done, and people (not just the kids) not tidying up after themselves. That seemed like a pretty familiar list to me. But as I thought about it, I was also aware that I generally only lose it if I’m not putting my whole attention on what is happening in front of me. So to Eckhart Tolle’s point, presence helps calm the emotional seas, stopping these situations of overwhelm building to start with. Then I realised it’s not always possible to be fully present when I’m looking after the kids. Food needs prepared, clothes need washed and there are a whole host of other tasks that need to be attended to aside of the “mum, can you just…” demands. A practice that I have used before, that helps tremendously though, is to give my unadulterated presence to each of my kids for ten to fifteen minutes each day, in the same way I do for myself when I do my daily meditation. I figure if I make this a regular thing it should have the same cumulative effect as meditation and help me to become more mindful in the difficult moments. But while I can set myself up for success more often, there will be moments of anger in my life because my personal boundaries are still likely to get triggered or overstepped; both by little people who have limited awareness that others also have needs and wants and by adults who, frankly, have a somewhat traumatic relationship with their own. Use the Urge to Act in My Favour So how best to deal with that anger in the moment so as not to damage my relationships? Strategies I’ve tried - like counting to ten, screaming to let go of the energy, pounding a pillow - were ineffective. I’d always revert to yelling – and often it would get misdirected to those in the home if I’d had to suppress it elsewhere. Recently, watching the docu-series Transcendence I was reminded about the mechanics of our flight or fight system, and how amazing it is when we are actually in mortal danger. But by constantly triggering it when the threat is not imminent or mortal, it stands in the way of my ability to look objectively at what is happening and live my best life. Dr Libby Weaver’s advice is, as soon as we become aware of being in flight or fight mode, start to focus on our breathing. Slow it down, take belly breaths in and extend our exhalation. This is an effective way to calm our system and invoke the parasympathetic nervous system, from where we can operate more effectively. Here are some other methods that also work to soothe the nervous system. Look for the Lessons Once I’ve done that, I can take a real look at the anger and what it has to teach. The first thing to notice is my own relationship with anger itself. I acknowledge that, despite my own disgust at the way I’ve expressed it on many an occasion, it did once serve a purpose. As a little girl taunted by classmates all the way home one day, when ignoring them hadn’t worked, exploding in verbal response and shoving a girl out of my personal space brokered no further issues. Hearing my mother yelling in our house was a daily occurrence when I was growing up, and talking back a punishable offence. Finally, at fifteen, the dam broke and I retaliated after being slapped on my face and called a name. It served me to slap her right back and correct her, it stopped any further physical punishment (normal in those days) but there were many years of yelling and arguments that followed. Having never really learned a more healthy way to express my anger, I have often felt disgusted at myself for not being able to express it better. And yet I also feel resistance within me to letting go of the part of me that expresses my anger in this way because the only experience I have of that is to accept powerlessness and let others walk all over me, something the child within vowed would never be an option again. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “it’s always darkest just before dawn”, my dawning has arrived with the new awareness that I am not that child any more, and if I don’t want to perpetuate the same cycle with my own kids (which I don’t), it’s time to adopt a new strategy. And aside of my awareness about the relationship with anger itself, this has also given me a fresh perspective on any issues that trigger my anger. There is always a lesson within that helps to understand and get to know the more authentic me. So what is your relationship with anger? How do you express it and could you use it to fuel you towards a more authentic life? If you enjoyed reading this, you may also enjoy Base Your Actions on Love Not Fear and What Can Your Anger Teach You About Your Gifts? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog Let’s start with something more normal, here is an example of a scenario that demonstrates the opposite of unencumbered and work on how to release it… It’s Sunday morning here, a beautiful sunny (but cold) Winter’s day in the Southern Hemisphere. Having been at home for ten days straight with sick kids, who are now recovering from a nasty flu virus (and as any parent knows the only thing worse than sick kids are kids on the mend but not back to full strength), I headed out to the pool for a swim this morning before my partner left for work. As the sun was coming up, it was four degrees and the (outdoor) pool looked very atmospheric with steam coming off the top. I chuckled as I noticed two ladies doing aqua jogging were both wearing big matching woolly hats as they chatted and waded. Swimming up and down I found my bliss, and returned home feeling refreshed and ready for the day. My six-year-old was laid on the couch and immediately started asking if she could watch TV. In our house, device time is limited to late afternoon/early evening on a weekend. But with having been sick the kids have watched a lot of TV this last week. “Later” I said and tried to distract her by focusing on what she might want for breakfast. This was an ineffective strategy, my daughter – who her teacher had just described as “a ray of radiant sunshine” in her end of term report – looked like an incoming storm that quickly whipped up into a tornado. Soon that tornado was hurling abuse and objects in my direction. And as Dr Gabor Maté reminds us “it is not our children’s behaviour but our inability to tolerate their negative responses that creates the greatest difficulties.” Indeed. My response wasn’t pretty, what was already in play was somewhere in the region of a category two (extremely dangerous) hurricane, my inner child was more than a match for that storm, she was whipping up that scale and turning this thing into a category three or four. Here’s the thing, being on the journey to me – the reclamation of my soul –means recognizing all the junk in my trunk so to speak. This junk identified itself very clearly as I heard myself scream “I had to put up with being yelled at and hit my whole childhood, I will not put up with the same aggression as a parent, it’s not going to happen.” Simultaneously I’m recognizing that in reaction to my trauma, I’m now traumatising my daughter, so immediately remorse set in. The thing I could find instant gratitude for however is that I recognise it, I’m not unconsciously repeating a pattern, I’m aware of it – I am aware of something that is weighing me down. As I often say, there was nothing particularly remarkable about my childhood, as a child of the seventies in western Scotland, it was a normal thing to be yelled at, to be smacked if I did something bad and to be punished in the same way in the school system. It was normal so I don’t think of it as abuse and I don’t blame my parents for the way they acted as they were doing what they thought was best. What I do remember from my childhood was suppressing my anger, I used to often stomp up to my room (after being told what to do or told off) and I’d be saying under my breath all the things I really wanted to say to my parents. Then I’d look around for things to throw but, after quickly determining that anything broken would cause me even more pain, I’d often just punch the concrete wall. And even though I don’t remember feeling traumatized (though I probably did when this pattern began as infant me started to fiddle with the buttons on the washing machine and get my knuckles rapped), there is absolutely no doubt trauma occurred. Do you know how I know? The force of my reaction to my daughter is how I know, I could literally feel the force of the sound and shock waves moving through me and hurtling towards her. The trauma I can feel from that reaction is still reverberating in my body, so how do I get rid of it? It’s got nothing to do with the other person, my daughter has already forgiven me and moved on, she knows violence towards me triggers me and she knows why, she also knows that I want and encourage her to express (rather than suppress) her feelings, but it’s not okay to express them violently. Getting rid of an activated emotion that has years of momentum probably requires a multipronged approach. As I said in Change Unhealthy Reactions there is a moment, it is fleeting but it’s pivotal, it’s my choice point. If I can catch myself in the act, I can change my response. Equally there has to be compassion for myself. I understand why my patience was worn thin; it’s been a stressful week. I’m not proud of my reaction, but it’s not going to serve me to beat myself up either – that is like further beating the inner child who wanted to be heard in that moment. There are lots of approaches to inner child work, and its’ become so clichéd over the years. It made me laugh when social scientist Brené Brown was talking about her own journey in being vulnerable and brave, and telling her counselor that she was there to do the work but “can we skip all that childhood stuff”. There is no skipping it; it’s been hardwired in there. In the docu-series Transcendence Josh Axe talks about how most people aren’t aware certain emotions cause disease in specific organs. For example, emotions of fear affect the reproductive organs, the kidneys and adrenals. Think about a child getting really scared and they wet themselves. Why? Fear directly affects the bladder and the kidneys. As I could feel those emotions ripping through my system this morning, I am left in no doubt there decades of junk still in the trunk to clear out. Inner child work is essential in order to give my inner child her time to speak her truth, to be heard, understood and held. Then it’s time to speak my now truth, as an adult that does not need to tolerate violence of any kind towards me, nor to project it back to others in defence. I deserve kindness and so do you. What is also interesting is the amount of blockages in my system that relates to old stuff that is not even mine any more. My chiropractor/applied kinesiologist/nutritionalist/emotional therapist (she is even more holistic than all of that), in pursuit of the cause of my shoulder pain, uncovered that my lymph system wasn’t functioning well due to a blockage in my ileocecal value in the digestive system. The emotions that were creating this blockage were feelings of powerlessness: lacking strength, resigned to fate, no longer caring, expecting to fail, feeling alone, misunderstood and distant. These are not emotions currently activated within me, in fact I’d say based on the location (where my mum had a tumour) they are not even my emotions as I have never resigned myself to fate in anything other than a positive way, but I recognise the feelings from the year mum slipped away from us. All I can tell you is that, after releasing these emotions with some Bach remedies and physical work on that area around my colon, my shoulder now feels freer than it has in a long time. It’s also like the example I mentioned in Value Your Uniqueness of becoming aware of all the judgmental thoughts in my head and recognizing them as belonging to my mum when I was a child. One of my enduring memories was the mortification I used to feel taking public transport with mum who used to loudly disapprove of various people’s behaviour without actually addressing them directly. What I used to do was think of all the reasons why they may, in fact, be behaving like that. That is my true voice, the one who sees a broader picture and understands that what I perceive may not be the truth. In fairness, it wasn’t even my mum’s voice as she matured; it was a moment in time that has gotten stuck in a loop in my head. Releasing these thoughts and emotions and finding kinder thoughts is really the route to becoming unencumbered. It’s an active process that requires awareness and persistence. Imagine the feeling of being free of all fear, anger, anxiety, grief and worries? That is the sovereignty of your soul. Imagine a world of people who are in the pursuit of that? I believe that is where we are headed, and it starts with the likes of you and I setting a goal to be unencumbered and live our best life. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Build a Healthy Self Concept. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog A friend reintroduced me to this word sovereignty recently, something I hadn’t really associated with much aside of the Royal Family as I was growing up. However she was using it in the context of our self-rule, our freedom to make our own choices.
I really like this because for too long I gave away my choices to others, making the necessary choices I had to make as a young child dependent on the adults around me for support and survival, instead of honoring the choices that felt right for me. This, as it does for most of us, become the way I operated in the world. Rules became something I automatically adhered to; deference to authority was a mark of respect. Even those around me that I saw rebel in many ways, still carried far more deference to the power outside themselves than the power within than they recognised. Those early years of punishment and reward for desirable and undesirable behaviour leave their marks subconsciously on our sense of self acceptance. As I commented to someone yesterday, we all swim in a soup of early trauma, whether consciously or unconsciously. There are very few people in this world who operate in clear line of sight and complete connection to their authentic selves. However, that decision to clear the clutter from the path, to regain sight of who we truly are, is completely within our control and it’s been my driving mission now for a good few years. When I birthed my children, I thought about what kind of parent I wanted to be and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I passionately want them to be free to be who they are. Note that passion does not translate to being free to run amok and do as they like. I’m talking about freedom of expression, and freedom to become consciously aware of the authentic self, rather than one swathed in the shroud of everyone else’s beliefs and desires. That passion was something I recognised when I was listening to a podcast of Tami Simon interviewing Dr Tererai Trent last week. Dr Trent has an amazing story, having been born into an oppressive colonial society in rural Zimbabwe only a few years before I was born. The oppression that she endured in her circumstances separated us by more than just distance, but the passion she felt united us. Tererai came from generations of women silenced because of their gender. Held back from even the most basic education, which was her greatest desire, she was instead married off young in exchange for a cow. Yet her remarkable story about how she chased (and claimed) her dream is among the most moving I have heard in a while. In the process of pursuing her dreams there were desperate times, times when she wasn’t even able to feed her children, times when she wanted to give up and go home. When asked why she didn’t she said simply “I didn’t want to pass on the baton (of women silenced because of their gender) to my daughters.” It brought tears to my eyes. Her journey and her baton are quite different to mine, but the burning desire for oppression to end is the same.My journey is also one of liberation, reclaiming the sovereignty of my true self and preserving that of my children, at least within their own home. The baton is painful to hold onto because, having embarked on the journey to authenticity, I can attest that all the while the same neurons still fire as they learned to in childhood, so the same thought patterns play out. The anxiety we feel as parents in response to our children’s negative reactions, is the same anxiety we felt as a result our own parent’s reactions. We therefore feel a pull to react as our parent’s reacted “obey me or else”. But I will keep a hold of that baton until it turns to dust as each fragmented part of me becomes integrated. It’s a challenge being confronted by children who have all these big feelings and are learning to express them in a world that is still controlled by the adults around them. Like last weekend my daughter was asked to sit up at the kitchen bench to eat her cornflakes. But it was the straw that broke the camel’s back after a tiring week at school, her reaction was nothing short of instant and unadulterated rage. She screamed, roared and yelled so sincerely any passerby would be forgiven for thinking this was a life and death play for the sovereignty of her soul, which she obviously felt it was, rather than a request to sit at the kitchen bench while eating. Any attempt at saying anything was like adding fuel to the raging inferno, her rational mind gone as she looked around for things to destroy, including the source of her throttle, me. As I stood there in that impossible moment between past and future, every fibre within me wanting to react strongly to this little girl’s fury, matching fire with fire, I did not. Instead I let out the energy of my frustration with a guttural scream and withdrew.In that instant, Dr Gabor Maté’s words were never so true. “It is often not our children’s behaviour, but our inability to tolerate their negative responses that creates difficulties. The only thing the parent needs to gain control over is our own anxiety and lack of self control.” In frustration I inwardly wished I had never embarked on this journey with my kids, I wished the kids just did as they were darn well told. The thoughts that accompanied it were the same thoughts I heard my own mother express, a jabbering chunter about ungrateful kids who were acting maliciously. Then Dr Tererai Trent came to my mind “I did not want to pass on the baton to my daughters” and gave me the strength and clarity I needed in that moment to not react to fire with fire, instead I held still and observed as that fire, bereft of fuel, burned out.My purpose in life could not be clearer. Just as Dr Trent is now building schools in Zimbabwe that allow all the local children to attend, giving girls access to education, I am on a mission to reclaim the sovereignty of my soul, and my children’s and help others do the same. Regardless of the constraints we find upon us, allow them to fuel your passion towards your own authenticity, the reclaiming of your true self. For it is that person who came to live in this world, and that person we need to create a more authentic world to live in. If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Looking Back to See the Clues to Your Destiny and Build a Healthy Self Concept. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. Would your kids, niece or nephew, or anyone else look at you and think you were happy? Would they aspire to a life like yours? Are you happy?
I recently asked an older teenager whether there was anything she was particularly looking forward to in her future years. Her response was – since she doesn’t want kids – she can’t really see past forty (as in, nothing appealed beyond that age). It made me think about whether those of us past forty make it look attractive in any way. I don’t mean whether we think we are happy, that was my first (and likely defensive) thought pattern. I started to think about my life, the things I’m grateful for and found that I was almost going through this process of persuasion to an extent, feeling I ought to be happy because my life is pretty great. What I mean is whether I actually feel happy most of the time and therefore project happiness to those around me? If I could hook up a mood-o-meter that took a pulse check on how I was feeling every few minutes throughout the day, I thought about where I’d sit on the scales:
And is happy or unhappy a combination of the first three? Certainly they seem like fairly good indicators. There are lots of other categories I could probably name, but these ones provide enough contrast to help me see that – while I still have room for growth - I’ve made a definite shift towards the descriptions on the right these last few years. What has created the shift for me is tuning into what I’m thinking and feeling more often. When I think of my life before conscious awareness of my thoughts and feelings, ouch, it was ugly and I was most definitely not happy. I can totally see why someone like me, just running on default, wasn’t radiating anything anyone else would have aspired to. Like most people, I was all wadded up with thoughts and beliefs that I had inherited from my childhood. Over the years these thoughts and beliefs that had once served a purpose (usually they were keeping me in the good books of adults around me) were no longer serving me at all. The true gift of my adulthood has been the space and freedom to explore who I am, and what I truly think and feel about things. Just fifteen minutes a day meditating has given me an increasingly conscious awareness of my thoughts and feelings in many given moments, so it’s created a lot of positive change in my life. That said, while it would be great to be relaxed, present, positive, and radiate peace and contentment all the time, I do still get tripped up. For example, with chores to be done around the house, especially at breakfast or dinner time, there is no doubt my kids get little attention as I juggle between their chatter or requests and preparing food or clearing up, while also often managing other communication with the adults in my life at the same time. Making it through the period between school pick up and the kids’ bedtime in a relaxed mood can be challenging to say the least. I often find myself saying to the kids “I can only focus on one thing at a time” or “how many pairs of hands do I have?” It is often said women can multitask, but I find if I’m trying to split my attention is creates tension. And, although I am an optimistic person, my kids certainly hear the word “no” on an all too frequent basis. So as I contemplate this outside-in view of whether I am any kind of a role model for happiness, it is a bit of wake up call. Even though my life has changed considerably, my kids still get the best and worst of me. It’s obvious that there are still pinch points in my day that don’t feel so great because I get overwhelmed. This is never truer than when I am mulling over something that happened and dwelling on what I should have done (or what I wished someone else would have done) or I’m thinking about something like imminent chores and their delicately balanced sequence in order to meet some deadline like getting the kids to school or to bed. Regurgitating the past and obsessing about the future are hard habits to break I find, despite knowing that things always work out and – most often – in ways I could never have planned. Today is yesterday’s dreams, like the beautiful family that I dreamed of – striven for – for many years. It wasn’t the obsessing and planning and worrying that got me there, instead it was a series of unplanned moments that I would call serendipities or coincidences that finally brought it all about. I have a lifetime full of examples like that, the unforeseen things that happened in the lead up to landing jobs, or meeting partners, or other opportunities. In spite of these examples I often forget all about them and obsess, worrying about what I should be doing in order to make things happen; noticing things aren’t where I’d like them to be, rather than just trusting a dream will work out when I take inspired steps as they arise. The answer, then, seems to lie in continuing to practice conscious awareness of my thoughts so I can:
I know a lot of people feel like they’ve tried and failed at meditation because they keep thinking. But I have discovered that noticing my thoughts is actually the point. I have become increasingly aware of how unlikely I am to be either stressed or negative if I can truly bring myself into the present. There are a whole host of apps out there to help if you don’t know where to start. Just a quick Google search on the topic immediately brings up suggestions like Headspace, Calm and Smiling Mind, but there are also an abundance of guided meditations on You Tube. Personally I just sit with my eyes closed in a quiet space for fifteen minutes each day and listen to the sound of nature, constantly refocusing on the sounds as I notice thoughts creeping in that I then let go of. Whatever the method, I figure the way to be more happy, and radiate that happiness, is to live more of my life in the moment. If you can connect more with the present, it will help you become less detracted, more relaxed and more positive – in short, happier. The happier you are within, the more you’ll radiate it outward, and the more infectious that happiness will become. A world infected with happiness, now that does sound attractive! If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog Many years ago now I heard someone recount words of Mother Teresa’s that really stuck with me “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations, I said that I will never do that. But as soon as you have a pro-peace rally I’ll be there.”
I was reminded of this as I was reading something similar to my kids this week. They are learning that it is much more powerful to talk about what they do want rather than what they don’t want, yet it is much more common for people to generally focus on the latter. For example, when we were having people over at New Year’s, I talked to the kids beforehand about a few ground rules as we were expecting to have nine excited children in the house as well as all their parents. My eldest daughter wanted to write the rules down so we could read them to everyone, and the first draft was a no list.
That didn’t sound like much fun to me, so I asked her how we could write a more positive list. We took each one in turn and ended up with:
I don’t think we came up with the best alternatives possible, but we did manage to turn the action verbs around to create more positive mental pictures of what we did want rather than what we did not want. That is, of course, the crux of the issue. Words create images in our mind; we can’t help but visualize a green elephant when we read or hear the words “green elephant”. If I talk about not leaving the property, I can immediately see myself walking away from it. This imagery makes it harder for us to do the right thing. Our body becomes geared for the action we have created a mental image of, so then we have to work harder to actually do the right things. It is an eye opening exercise to simply start to noticing this phenomenon in society, it’s pervasive. Becoming aware of my own language is also an interesting experience. I first really tried to focus on this when the kids just started becoming mobile, so you would think I’d be pretty adept at it now. Yet just this morning when my daughter woke up early I told her “do not get out of bed again please”, instead of just saying “stay in bed please.” The other aspect of this is – in saying things from a negative standpoint – the receivers constantly feel their sense of freedom being eroded and become more resistant. Whereas when we focus on the more positive language, this is less of an issue. Like any habit though, awareness is key. I catch myself doing it more and make a conscious effort to change it; especially since I know positive language is far more effective and keeps things flowing. But it’s not just about positive and negative language in terms of things we should or should not do. My partner is a shocker when it comes to choosing his words. If taken on face value, he is the kind of guy you might peg as chauvinistic, and perhaps a bigot. Yet much of what he says comes more from a compulsion to push people’s buttons. That said, while he may never have initially had any reason for his prejudices, over the years those words have found their evidence as all words do. If, for example, I think dogs are dirty animals, I will notice those examples around me that support this which is how we develop beliefs. Most of us never stop to question the initial premise as we are often unaware of where it comes from. As with all of our thinking, it begins in our early childhood. And without any conscious intervention it continues on throughout our life gathering more and more evidence to support it. In my partner’s case I don’t have to look far to see where he inherited his enjoyment of winding people up and his prejudices. Thankfully though my partner is consciously aware of his prejudices and, on the rare occasions he entertains a more serious conversation on the topic, he displays much more objectivity than his annoying wind-up statements would lead anyone to believe. This compulsion to wind people up arose from a frustration in expressing himself, which in recent years was diagnosed as ADHD and possible dyslexia. Often feeling invisible in a social setting because of this struggle to express himself verbally, he took the route of wind up merchant instead. That said, even though his motivation is to provoke and push people’s buttons, just as in the examples I gave about our New Year’s get together, the words create imagery that is then hard for his brain to get past. So it is really only when the line of thinking is challenged in a non-confrontational way that his thinking opens up. It is something that is becoming increasing important to him having brought two daughters into the world. He doesn’t want his deliberately provoking and inflammatory comments about females to become their reality. The kids’ rhyme that says “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” does not ring true for me. Words can and do have great power. It’s better to offer a gift with kind words than a criticism. Another great quote of Mother Teresa’s is “Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless.” The opposite is also true. So let’s choose our words wisely and have them work for us, rather than against us, supporting us in our best lives. With thanks to my partner for letting me share some of his story to help others. If you feel stuck in the weeds and would like a fresh perspective on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me with an outline of your circumstances or click here for further information, I love to help. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. An Open Letter to My KidsMany times I have felt a twinge of failure in this journey we are on together, now is another of those times.
Ideally I would love you to be able to learn what you want, when you want and in the way you want. In truth, you will anyway as it is only experience that teaches. But I’d like to have given you a freedom of scope beyond that which you have. I know you would not choose to go to school if you had the option. I know one of the options open to us is homeschooling. But then, instead of teaching you to be who you are, I would be sacrificing who I am – and that is not the lesson I intend. Like all parents I would like to give you the perfect childhood. But what does that even mean? Each parent, I think, has some driving force that influences the way they parent. For me it’s about allowing you to be who you are. For others it is about other things, like raising independent children. We are all different. Allowing you the freedom to unfold as you want to, yet figuring out what that means in a society with many others who feel they have a right to impose their opinion – or worse, control – upon you, is an ongoing process. I often say that if we lived cut off from society, you would be able to unfold unhindered. Consequences would naturally arise and you would learn and grow. We, however, live in a society of imposed consequences that remove your thinking from the true nature of things. Like the time I talked to your daycare about the meals they made that you did not want. If we refuse food, it has a natural consequence – hunger. But the daycare chose to impose further consequences designed to make you comply. If you did not eat your meal, they re-presented it at afternoon tea and prohibited you from eating the cakes the others ate. In this same way, we live in a society that creates parents as upholders of the millions of rules set by others. It creates more reliance on the parenting relationship than you would otherwise have naturally. The government says you have to attend school between the ages of six and sixteen. The other option is to apply for an exemption and to home school. I have said you can do this when the time comes for college. At that point you will be able to drive your own curriculum and self-learn in a way that will satisfy our government. In the meantime, you have to go to school. We have chosen the one that is most closely aligned to our values from the options available, but still, it is a square peg in a round hole. This leaves a hole in my heart, especially when this pathway – that seemed to offer much – does not entirely deliver what I was expecting. This is life sometimes; we take two steps forwards and one step backward. But what I have learned about holes and backward steps is that I must welcome them. There is nothing in my past that has not turned out well in the longer run, for the best even. I think I cannot give you the things I’d like to, but in truth I trust you are being given all that you need. My own pathway was not one of having freedom to unfold. It was very decidedly of an era that ensured I walked the narrow pathway it prescribed, ‘or else’. I ate the food I was given. I went to the school I was told to. I learned what I was told to. I treated people the way I was told to… the list is endless. Yet still, I found the way back to me. Society has changed a lot since I was young; more people have more freedom by comparison. The biggest change though, I believe, is in the numbers who are becoming increasingly aware of the opportunities for an evolution of our society today. Imagine health care that pays attention to the whole being, education that caters for individual expression and growth, governments operating with transparency and open communication or science that embraces the metaphysical. The list and the opportunities are endless. Most exciting of all, you are the generation born into a society becoming aware of its opportunities and failings. This puts you in the creative driving seat when it comes to solutions. So life is not perfect my little ones, I don’t think we ever intended it to be or this journey would be fairly dull by comparison. I, for my part, will always do my best to do whatever I feel is right in each moment; for that is all I can do, all any of us can do. I love you always; keep following your joy. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. Don’t Let a Label Be a Limitation – Use it as a Jumping off Point
A quick scan tells me that there is a whole host of online communities and self help groups out there for highly sensitive people, which, in itself is not a bad thing. But when I pick up words like “protecting yourself” and “fragile”, I want to scream from the roof tops. I have to admit, I’ve always been pretty sensitive about being called sensitive. The term implies weakness, yet I’ve survived this world and - determined to prove people wrong - have even thrived to outside eyes. Sadly that required building a hard shell around me in a bid to ‘protect’ myself. While it didn’t succeed in obliterating the essence of who I am, it completely obscured it even to my eyes; to the point of not knowing me. Over the last few years I’ve set about quite deliberately dismantling the protective armour to discover what lay beneath. Layer after layer unveiled, I am now rebuilding my relationship with the world from my internal core and am truly starting to see how authentic thriving is possible. I have discovered my body is like a finely tuned instrument, apparently more so than most, every sense I have is sensitive to all that is around it and reverberates within. I have a deep and rich inner world that I explore asking myself all sorts of questions about life and purpose. I sense other people’s emotions and can tell if someone says “I’m alright” when they are not, I viscerally feel others’ pain and passion – even if it’s only watched on a TV screen, and I sense the same through music and art. When I spend time in nature I appreciate the intricate intelligent design of it all, and marvel at all creation. I wouldn’t swap any of that because it is the essence of who I am and, frankly, the only experience of the world I would relish. But it does come with another side. With every sense heightened, sensory overload needs to be managed. For example, the first thing I was aware of this morning was my partner’s rhythmical breathing as I lay contentedly amid that state between dreaming and waking up. This instantly changed as he awakened. Just as my cat’s ears prick up, my body is also on high alert, quickly tuning in to more of the sounds around; a car starting up and our neighbours putting out their bins. I’m awaiting the loud and insistent “mum!” requiring a more hastened arising than I would like. It is mid-winter here in the southern hemisphere and the days are short, so getting up in the dark is par for the course at the moment. My ideal entry back into consciousness each day would be a gradual and steady awakening of the senses. I like to open the curtains to slowly let in natural light and let my eyes adjust, instead I open the door to the lounge where my partner had already turned on every electrical light in the place and my world is suddenly ablaze with bright lights, my eyes scrunch in defence; it makes my insides churn and creates a viselike grip between my temples. That is before I even talk about the smell of coffee or the mood of the other people around me or the list of tasks that require completion before we can get out the door. And because it is winter, my partner had started up the van to heat it up before setting off, so I could smell exhaust. Suffice to say, by the time I drop off the kids each morning, I feel like I’ve survived something. Just the very fact of living with other people creates sensory overload. It wasn’t so bad when I was growing up, my parents liked things low key too, and we didn’t have 55” TV screens and 24 hours a day of streaming content to contend with. Yet there were some highlights this morning. In taking the garbage out for collection, I stopped to smell the White Michaela blossoms on the scratty tree at the top of our driveway. I forgive that tree all it’s scratty looks with its half shed leaves, because the scent of the blossoms are just so blissful and were a welcome escape from the exhaust fumes. Then there was the beautiful conversation with my younger daughter who, in the absence of her older sibling (who is visiting nana) was rather more grounded and calm than can be the case with her sister around. I had this lovely swell of appreciation and deep sense of love flood over me. Funnily enough I didn’t realise there was a label for the way I am wired and some of the things I’ve found difficult until recently. While I hate labels, this one may serve a purpose, if only to have those I love understand how I experience the world and, hopefully, help others who are wired this way begin to thrive rather than just survive. Back in the 1990’s a psychologist called Elaine Aaron coined the terms Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS). Personally I’d rather embrace the trait than label my persona, I feel we are all a bit too multidimensional for that. “Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) is characterized by a high level of sensitivity to stimuli and reflects an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system” says Botenburg et al. “It also correlates with a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli.” Elaine Aaron says “Inevitably HSPs are more easily overwhelmed. When the noise or stuff going on is about right and interesting for others, it’s too much for HSPs. And keeping an optimal level of stimulation – not too much, not too little – is very, very important to every creature. The sensitive ones just need ‘less’ to be comfortable.” It’s the ‘less’ that is often not accepted or appreciated in a world that is increasingly vying for our attention though, with an acceleration of information and stimulus available. And it’s that social unacceptability that often creates low self esteem and self doubt, or even depression, anxiety, symptoms of autism, sleep problems and more physical health problems. While sensory overload wasn’t generally an issue for me in my early home life, as soon as I entered the realms of dealing with other people and of the working world, it was often hard to feel good about myself. I remember starting a job in a recruitment office, and being seated right next to the owner of the place who was a chain smoker and sat there puffing away at his cigarettes all day. It made me feel so wretched that the first thing I did was buy a rather large extractor fan and sat it on the desk between us. Being called things like too sensitive, whiny, anxious, unhappy and even neurotic, and having people tell me to “toughen up” or “just relax, you’re making a big deal out of nothing” was devastating. In fact it led to a whole period in my early twenties where I was diagnosed with “general anxiety and panic attacks.” This was a defining moment in my life, and one that lies at the root of my distaste for words like fragile and protection. It taught me how my reality was controlled by my reactions. Now, while I can’t readily control the involuntary reactions of my senses, just having an awareness of what is happening makes all the difference, it helps me to control how my body is responding. While I did not know about SPS back then, there have been moments along the way that have helped me understand that what I was experiencing was not a result of some neurosis. For example, blue eyes are more sensitive to light than other eye colours. This helped me made sense of the migraines that – since the age of twelve – have often been triggered by bright lights. Yet, without awareness of sensory sensitivity, it can come across to others as whiny when I complain about all the lights getting turned on in the morning rather than the curtains being opened. I also know my body is sensitive to all the popular stimulants like caffeine and alcohol and does not appreciate any medication stronger than Panadol, it can feel awkward to refuse such things on social occasions, especially in the face of people saying “you just need to lighten up”. Living with others has taught me that some people need noise to drown out their thoughts so they can concentrate, but I know I need quiet so I can hear my thoughts before I can concentrate. So having music on in the house or car can be a point of contention. Open plan office areas taught me about the perils of horrid fluorescent lighting, uncomfortable chairs, and the soup of human emotions that I was required to swim in just to say I had turned up. That is before we even talk about the endless meetings and having to look in one direction (and look interested) for long, boring sustained periods. Literally every sense is more finely tuned. I can even get touched-out (I learned that is ‘a thing’) especially when I have kids haranguing me and wanting to cuddle up or have ‘one more hug’ at bedtime after a day of constantly giving my attention out. Scary or violent movies and documentaries are too visceral to contemplate, and I get overwhelmed at parties, conferences (I have a strong aversion for the superficial) and at shopping malls and definitely kids indoor playgrounds. These are all things I have known from the inside are not a result of my imagination, yet without being able to educate people more objectively about Sensory Processing Sensitvity, it has often invited many unwelcome comments and been the basis of arguments. It is true to say I was pretty defensive about the issues. Feeling pain more acutely is another common symptom of SPS. I hesitated when I had to answer a question about that, as dealing with pain is just another part of the armour I’ve worn. I do feel pain but, just as I determinedly focused on not reacting to being tickled when I was younger, I also focused on not reacting to pain. The reality was that I used to absorb the shock in order to not react to it, internalize it, which is just setting myself up for sickness. When I birthed my second child, I learned how to work with my body in order to feel into and release the pain. I just feel so much, on so many levels, and it can be draining. The world we live in can feel like a smorgasbord of stimuli set to frazzle the nerves. Arguments that others might consider a spat or insignificant, or even just a differing of opinion, are often huge for me. When I left home my mum said “I’ll even miss our arguments”. Not me, I like things to be peaceful. Yet I was determined not to become a victim so was always asserting my needs, and am quick to stand guard if I sense an injustice. Then there is the dynamic in relationship with my partner who has Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) which, while sharing some similarities with SPS, also has some diametrically opposite issues to contend with. Each of those has the potential to be the source of the others’ stress, and requires us to each have understanding and respect the others needs in order for us to make the relationship work. And, of course, there is the grand slam of challenges for someone with any kind of sensory sensitivity: parenting. With the constant over stimulation involved, sensory overload abounds. I heard another say “I don’t like surprises and I don’t like change, and since parenting is largely comprised of just that many times in each day I get overwhelmed”. While I relate to that, just having to give my attention constantly outward rather than nurturing my inner life is the key factor in energy drain for me. That said, when I turn back to the amazingly positive aspects of having SPS, I know it also makes me a better parent as I am more aware of my children’s needs. My ability to empathise, my intuition, my creativity, my deep appreciation of little things, and even my visceral awareness of others’ pain and passion. All of it – and more – are the essence of who I am and the key to joy in my life. I understand why there is a lot of advice out there about protecting our energy, as overwhelm surely drains it. But it is really more about asserting our needs than protecting ourselves. It’s subtle, but it is different. One is about operating from a strong centre core, an inner knowing and honouring of your true self, the other is about defense and armour. My desire to help others can mean I have often put others needs before my own. But learning to put my needs first gives me more energy to give to others, using the special talents and gifts that being sensitive gives, which makes me happier and healthier. I read that our authenticity and desire for deep, meaningful relationships, also makes those of us with sensory sensitivity more attractive to others. But the key thing to remember is that good relationships are not about giving more to others, it is about giving more to ourselves. A healthy relationship is one where both people value themselves enough to make sure their own needs are met, just as I wrote about recently in Great Relationships Happen When You Put You First. Since writing about this journey to me I’ve been on, most of my articles speak to this issue on some level. Some of the relevant ones that spring to mind are Taking Your Own Space, Taking a Break from all that Mental Activity (which talks about strategies for dealing with stress), Step out to reach in, Meditation – the Cornerstone to Your Success, Life is in the Little Things – Finding the Extra in the Ordinary, among many more. My daughter also has Sensory Processing Sensitivity, and I have learned it is wise to manage her activities carefully. In her first year at school her teacher wrote “she appears to move between being a very young wisp of a child to a rather demanding princess.” Even now at 7 years old, she is not capable of having play dates or doing any extracurricular activity on school days without getting completely overwhelmed and tuning out or melting down (spectacularly). But I would hate for her to see herself as fragile, despite all that I have written in here about what it feels like to have SPS. I’d rather she embraced her sensitivities, anchor herself from within and thrive from her centre core rather than create armour on the outside to deal with it. Just as I too now embrace it as I rise from the ashes of my previously burnt out life. Having a strong sense of who you are, and embracing and honouring that, gives you that inner anchor. Once you have this, you don’t need the hard shell on the outside anymore, you can let it go. You don’t have to protect yourself from the world. Just prioritize your own needs and you will flourish. If you want to find out more about SPS there’s a whole raft of information available online. Here’s a great introductory video, an overview and a test. If what you read here resonates and you’d like a fresh perspective (and only that, it’s not advice you have to take or act upon) on a situation in your own life, feel free to contact me or click here for further information. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. So often we focus on what’s lacking, or what didn’t meet our expectations, but we’re a lot happier when we appreciate the little things and recognize the beauty in the ordinary. Read here on Tiny Buddha.
“Do not touch that!” I screech at Jenna, looking at the pop-up that appears on my screen asking whether I really want to discard the email I had been drafting. I have a vague awareness of the crestfallen look on her face as she slinks beneath the keyboard on the desk where I am busily focused.
At this precise moment I am driven by a desire to sort out an issue with the telephone supplier, wanting to hand off the details to someone with the power to action them, before taking the kids to school. This sense of urgency I feel is conflicted with the need to fully focus on the kids at this time of day. As I press send on the email awareness returns to my surroundings. “Oh Jenna” I say, she’s still under the keyboard looking glum, “I’m sorry; mum was a bit grumpy then huh?” She slumps into my arms for a cuddle, and then I refocus on the task at hand, fleetingly thinking that perhaps I should have just left the email until later. This may seem minor in the scheme of things, and it is, but I could recount many examples in each day where I am somewhat distracted and growl at the kids, or my partner, or inwardly (mostly) to anyone else who happens to interrupt wherever my attention is focused; I like to get things done. The world of handy devices makes it so much easier to multi-task, except we aren’t actually wired to focus on more than one thing at a time. It can’t make for a very nice experience of being with me at those times I’m sure. Each week as I sit down to write these articles, it’s always to reflect and share what’s inspiring me in the moment, always linked to the lessons I’m learning. When I read them to my partner he says “they all sound the same to me, different circumstances, but you’re saying the same thing”. True, the basis of a happy life is simple, think good things, feel good things, and more good things will come to you. “Yes, “I say “I need to keep writing about it to drum it in.” The problem is, imperfection. At birth we arrive in our complete perfection, knowing it, then life (in the guise of often well-meaning people) sharpens our edges and we grow into adulthood with fears, insecurities and a lack of self worth. We humans are a bit clunky at all that for now. Loving ourselves in all our humanness is one of our biggest challenges; even knowing ourselves is a challenge. There are so many versions of us; certainly there’s the happy, inspired version and then there’s the version under stress, when we are far from our best. These days that super stressed version of me isn’t around as much as it used to be, but it certainly presents itself often enough to remind me it exists. In the past I’d likely even have lacked the awareness that I’d hurt Jenna’s feelings, the little 4-year old who just wanted some of her mum’s attention, far less apologised. It’s more likely that my mood would have spiraled in self righteous indignation at having been constantly interrupted – and included more yelling at the kids about them not being ready. We expect so much of ourselves, and certainly there’s nothing wrong for aspiring to be the best version of who you are, but you have to cut yourself a break. I find myself dwelling on the things I could have done better, then I remind myself that those things have passed, and there is zero benefit to wallowing in any bad feelings about it. Then I feel bad that I even wallowed. As I say often, I am a most imperfect being, and thank goodness because it’s taught me some valuable lessons in life, heralded some magnificent opportunities and growth and reaped many rewards in that awareness. But I am quite sure I could embrace that imperfection without the constant beat up sessions. Perfection is the aspiration, imperfection is the inspiration. Like everything else in life though, it’s about the journey, not the destination. If I am trying to get things done and other things keep getting in the way, I know enough now to see it’s actually a sign that I just need to be more present, let the other stuff go until it can have my full focus. One thing at a time. So I am thankful for this morning’s distraction and imperfect parenting moment for reminding me that I do not need to get everything done all at once. We have not transcended our humanness and become superheroes. Embracing our imperfection in this way can only help lead us to our best lives. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. “Resenting one or both of your parents for suffering (caused) is a completely normal and human reaction.” As I read these powerful words written by Lise Bourbeau, written in the context of repressed suffering that eats way like a cancer, literally manifesting decades later as a cancer, I wondered two things:
The first was why the role emotions play in our wellbeing is still so widely looked upon as psychobabble. The realization that our emotions don’t just sometimes play a role in our physical state, but rather our physical state is always a result of our emotional state was – for me – both obvious and potent as I recounted in What is Your Body Telling You. The second thing I wondered is why there is such a stigma attached to this issue of resenting our parents in adulthood. In society we accept it as normal in teenagers, but if this resentment is such a normal and human reaction, yet it causes such unseen damage in later life, why is it not accepted as a rite of passage that people accept and openly talk about? Looking at it from a child’s point of view, whether your parents are absent or present in your life, either way there is a high likelihood you will resent some aspect of that. If they are absent, particularly if they died, you may feel guilt for your pain and resentment. If they were very much alive and present in your life, there is also a very good chance that you will resent some aspect of who they were to you. Parents are – in effect – the gateway to a somewhat more limited form of existence than these young ones want to lead. Learning to live in a human body requires focus, and that requires making their world small enough at each stage to gain confidence and simultaneously making it large enough to allow them to fully express who they are in that moment. That is a tricky task for anyone to facilitate. Often we are driven in our own parenting by the things we resented (and the things we admired) about the way we were brought up, in an attempt to avoid having our children resent us. We want to be loved unconditionally yet often hold back our love in disapproval of our children's reactions at some point or another, if not as part of an adopted regime of discipline. Seeing resentment as the thanks you get for all your hard years of parenting isn’t attractive, but if instead we were to accept it as a natural and inevitable part of our child’s development into adulthood, helping them figure out who they are and what they do and don’t want in life, it would be more palatable. Then, who you are (in terms of the sum of your experiences and the resentments, ideas and beliefs you hold) can cause countless arguments between those co-parenting. And with your children’s unique blend of who they are, and an ever evolving social context, you are bound to trip up somewhere. Great teachers are emerging, like Mary Willow, but an average parent may only be vaguely aware (if at all) of the various stages of development their child is going through in the years up to young adulthood, never mind have a good grasp of their role each step of the way. As adults we either continue to carry our resentment around consciously, still berating our parent/s for who they are/what they did, or we just accept it as part of who we and they are and, every now and again, those emotions surface triggered by patterns playing out in our adult lives. The reason Lise Bourbeau’s words were so powerful, was the dawning of a realization of the damage it causes to stuff these emotions down. I remembered the story I recounted in an article last year, about forgiveness. The story was of a teacher who got her students to bring in potatoes. The task was to etch on each the name of the person or people who had wronged them and the hurt it had caused. Each student was then asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it around for a week, it could sit beside them when they were eating or sleeping, but they had to carry it everywhere it went. This was simply an exercise in demonstrating the sheer burden of carrying all those negative emotions. The act of forgiveness does not mean you condone what took place; it is an act of kindness towards yourself, an act of self love. Certainly most people have emotional baggage of some sort about their upbringing. The reality is that our ‘sack’ is already pretty heavy by the time we are 8, and yet it’s a period in our life where we have the least amount of conscious memories. None the less, you will have an idea of the emotions in there as they will have attracted many many more examples to reinforce them throughout your life, accompanied by self-limiting thoughts that become beliefs. It seems that it would be useful to consider that is normal and healthy to face resentment from your children at some point. And, conversely, somewhere in your own emotional baggage are some things you might want to really look at rather than just carrying them around. So what do you resent your parents for? Once you bring things out into the light of the present day, the process of forgiveness can begin, your load will lighten and you will be free to live a life of wellbeing. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say” has long since been a favourite quote of mine, credited to Emerson. Lately, in dealing with young children, it has taken on a deeper meaning but I’m also now reconsidering the way I communicate in a much broader sense.
Have you ever noticed how reliant we are on verbal communication? “You have a way with words” said a mentor of mine, “a real gift, but it is also your biggest challenge”. It gave me pause, she had made me rethink the way in which I communicate with the children, but as I’ve digested those words I’ve started to observe how pervasive this issue is for us as a society. On the face of it we are incredibly dependent upon – and distracted by - words. Yet, as we know from the study and discussion about body language in recent decades, we are subconsciously picking up on a lot more than words. Many of us have become adept at reading body language more consciously and, certainly in situations like job interviews, most attempt to control what their body is revealing. It is interesting that it’s only from about the age of 14 that we start to really develop our ability to digest things verbally, yet it so totally takes over from then on that we lose sight of our most primal and universal form of communication. So much so we often talk and yell endlessly at kids in complete ignorance that they are simply not able to digest what they are being 'told'. When we arrive on the planet, we spend the early years learning predominantly through our experiences. For example, when you step on a sharp stone, it talks to you, you learn something about sharp stones (they are hard, they hurt, they are best avoided etc). Every second of every minute of every day your body is talking to your brain, it’s helpful for our children if we can talk less, that way they ‘hear’ more. I think the same applies to adults, the words are just a distraction, and we are often fooled by them, too busy to take due note of what our own body or anyone else’s is actually telling us. I have to admit the times when I am mostly aware of body talk is when either I, or someone around me is agitated or angry. Having young children, that can happen frequently (both ways). The natural response is for people to withdraw. Punishment is the withdrawal of love My own experience of boundaries being enforced as a child and into adulthood has been based on punishment, common to most and still pervasive in our society. This is an act of retaliation, entrenched in varying scales of negative emotion (from mildly irritated to outright fury) and all involve the withdrawal of love. You cannot punish someone out of love, so if your mind tells you punishment is a necessary and appropriate response, you have to withdraw your love in order to enforce it. Equally, as a response, our children withdraw, hearing not the verbal words used, but the way in which they are delivered and enforced. It’s part of how we begin to lose sight of who we really are, fearing that ‘the real us’ is not safe to show itself in the world. The big ‘ah ha’ moment for me has been the kids’ bedtime, the time of day guaranteed to tip even the most patient of parents over the edge. There was a point about a year ago when I thought about setting myself a challenge to not let a single word pass my lips for 3 days. Aware that, in the heat of the moment, words come tumbling out like a crazy runaway train. Even as I become consciously aware of the whine or rant, that train has gathered momentum and isn’t easily brought under control. It’s far easier to derail it and zip up. Not such a bad idea after all. My instinct was to stay with my kids as they fell asleep. This stemmed from a fear I had had of being on my own (resulting from a rife imagination combined with a creak here and a strange sound there), which I only conquered in my thirties. As the kids are growing, it’s resulted in most evenings being a complete write off. Then my mentor points out that we are born from a dark womb, we come into the world trusting the dark, and it represented safety and comfort for us. Mm, further pause. My constant presence, while stemming from my parental instinct to protect (an instinct I now recognise as born of fear, thus not an instinct of higher good), is body talk for “yes, you are right, you are not safe without me here”. When considered in this way, I realised it was the opposite of what I want to teach them, that they are safe. Yet how? This is the part I’d tussled with. I have been brought up in a punitive society, one that continues to show itself that way even when governments of countries engage with each other, tit for tat “we must show them”, “there must be retribution” responses. It’s not the way I wish to live, and certainly not the body talk I want my kids to enduringly recall. My natural instinct is for harmony, to remain tuned into the love that flows and connects us all. Suggestions of shutting them in a room when they are fearful and I am frustrated (because they aren’t settling down to sleep when they are clearly tired) didn’t resonate at all. Not wishing to threaten my children, you could guarantee that was exactly what would end up happening each evening (I’d threaten to walk out if they didn’t settle), yet my body (despite the odd impatient move towards the door) would remain out of love. You can be loving and enforce your boundaries So the crux of my ‘ah ha’ was the realization that I could be kind and loving, and teach them how to feel safe, using body talk in a positive way. That begins with me being attuned to the patient teacher within, who has a plan, rather than the frazzled parent who just wants them to fall asleep so I can get out of there. Then, instead of lying on the bed beside them, I started with sitting on the chair next to the beds, then I moved away from the beds towards the door, where I now sit and do my meditation. Just that one move has been huge for the kids, no longer in arms reach of mum, although with initial protests, has taught them how to settle themselves to sleep, and they do that a lot quicker than with me lying next to them. Inevitably my younger daughter springs out of bed a couple of times, but (aware of my body talk) I just gently pick her up – silently – and place her back in bed. Eventually she realises it’s a fruitless exercise, producing no reaction and quickly settles towards sleep. As we progress I will eventually leave the room, at first for a quick visit to the loo and return, then longer visits until they are more and more comfortable with falling asleep on their own. In hindsight, this training could have begun once I was no longer feeding them through the night, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. So I am learning that, most often, words are unnecessary; ignoring the irony of course of the number of words it has taken me to express all of this to you! The realization that our body talk is far more powerful than anything we say, and consciously harnessing it from a point of love, is key to more peaceful and powerful communication. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. Last week an old friend got in touch, he and his partner had a baby about a year ago, and they are totally miserable. Of course they love their child, who is the shining beacon in an otherwise pretty dreary landscape, but they have lost a sense of themselves and each other.
We had a long conversation, which then caused me to reflect on my own experience of those initial years. Like any bad experience, I had simply shut the off the details, packed them into a box labeled “never to be repeated” and focused elsewhere. But now I dived back into the memories, yes, they were pretty horrific. I think it’s mostly because we are in a transition time as a race. The era of equal rights has ushered in and now we are trying to figure out what on earth that means when it comes to having children. For my part, I just figured that I had to do the pregnancy and breast feeding part, but all else was fair game. I totally believe we can be, do, and have anything we want. As a child of the 70’s I was taught to value equal opportunity, in fact I’d say I expected it, even though it wasn’t what was typically modeled in households where most women stayed at home and men went out to work. Certainly there was no way I was going to put up with anything less than being treated as an equal. Then I met the world as an adult. My first clue to the true nature of this era that ushered in equality should have been the grossly skewed distribution of chores around the home, the same in every relationship I have had. I know there are men out there who love to clean and keep home, but you are the minority. I recall reading an article a number of years ago citing that, while most women now work outside the home, in most cases women do around 80% of the chores at home, or more. This isn’t about bagging men. These are changing times and we are all trying to find our place. We are coming out of the age of superwomen. When I say ‘super’, I mean haggard, wrung out women, running in circles trying to prove they can be and do everything. Urgh. When I met my partner, and we both wanted children, I’m not sure why I had this picture in my head of parenthood as something that we could share equally. Before kids he was keen to take time off and be the one at home, and then along came our first daughter and – while he would never admit it – that idea ran for the hills never to be seen again. Yes I can be and do anything, but motherhood? Grueling. Amazing. Relentless. Joyous. It will literally and metaphorically turn you inside out. I really thought a parent was a parent. Sure, a man can’t physically carry and squeeze a baby out of his body, nor can he naturally feed them, but in all other aspects I just figured we could share. Let me not skip too quickly past the bit about birthing and breastfeeding though, it was hideous in many ways. The story of my children’s births had much to teach, but breastfeeding was a complete surprise. I recall a few weeks into my journey with my first daughter counting in amazement at the cumulative 10 hours of feeding in a day. It locks you in. I had a picture in my head that babies would take a good feed then go and sleep for a few hours, or laugh and giggle and start to explore the world. Instead I found the on/off feeding from the breast meant there was no handing over of baby for any length of time. Even when it came time to return to work, it was all about getting back for the bedtime feed. Of course we can choose to feed our kids from a bottle, but when you are approaching parenthood with a baby growing in your tummy that has been so long awaited and hard won, then you get bombarded with all the ‘evidence’ abut what is best (natural birth and natural feeding are expected), I kind of felt obligated to at least give it a go. With that comes baby griping, most have some form of it in those early months as their burgeoning digestive systems get used to processing their milk. As they are crying and even screaming, you wonder if it’s something you are doing or not doing and it can just about drive you crazy. There’s sleep patterns that can tie you up in knots, and the warning not to let them sleep on their fronts. It’s daunting. Frankly, I was glad to get back to work in many ways by the time my daughter was 8 months old. I remember saying I was a much better mother for working, even though I was in a soul sucking job that expected much and reaped little. It was not fun. Before kids I had a successful corporate career, watched television in the evening to zone out, had time to do gardening and home improvements, and was used to having café lunches on the weekend. I expected to have no time to myself, but had no real concept of what that truly meant. Suddenly I was this mother machine that seemed to be needed 24/7 and I really resented it. I couldn’t resent my baby, with each passing day our daughter would do something we would consider miraculous and we would bask in the glory of that. But I would look sidewards at my partner, watching TV on the couch, going to work and doing stuff around the house and garden and resent the hell out of (what appeared to be) the lesser change to his world. My friend’s partner yells at him, I can relate. I can look back now, more objectively, and say that I just wasn’t feeling heard. It all felt so unfair. It was relentless, tedious, exhausting and I just needed him to listen, to understand. I’m not sure it’s possible. Men see women as having gotten what we wanted – equal rights. Certainly that drove me nuts, my partner casting the desires of previous generations upon me, as if I had put it on my xmas list for Santa and now was reaping what I’d sown. How could he blame me for something previous generations had fought for? How could I blame the previous generations? How could I blame him? All the while we needed my income, and I resented that too. Not that I wanted to take on the role of motherhood and apple pie at home, you could go stick the pie where the sun doesn’t shine as far as I was concerned. I’ve never viewed motherhood as my raison d’être, my children are the fruits of my life, not my reason for it. That is the crux of where I was stuck, the wee woman at home picture felt like I was saying this was the reason I existed, when I know there’s so much more to me and wanted an acknowledgement of that. Yet here I am, my daughter is 6 years old and at school now. Her sister turned 4 last year, siblings is a whole other subject, don’t be lured into thinking they need friends! Siblings are there for your children to learn conflict management, think about it carefully… I jest and, yet, not. I have skipped over the constant sibling battleground, the meltdowns and tantrums and many other things that have unwittingly consumed my attention in these last few years. Because, despite the intensity, it has to be one of the best opportunities for growth and insight you ever get, this parenting gig. Our kids make us want to be better. From the minute mine were born I knew what I wanted for them, above all else, was to allow them to be who they are. That meant I had to figure out who I am. Before I figured that out, I balked at most aspects of being mum. But going on that journey has released me from a lot of my old perceptions and beliefs that held me back. Despite studying child psychology at uni, despite having continued to learn and grow throughout adulthood, absorbing all the material out there on temperaments and gender differences, the biggest surprise has been the genuine difference in the role of mum and dad, and the real need kids have for both those roles in different ways at different times. I resisted being ‘mum’ for a long time, all the while naturally being the one who considers how the kids are feeling given any level of activity, being the one who plays nurse, being the one who plans and packs for any type of activity, being the one who naturally thinks about what clothes are needed in each wardrobe, what equipment is needed, what food is needed, whose birthday is coming up, what gifts to buy for xmas… the list is endless. From the psychology of what is going on with everyone at home, and the growing friendships at school, to the practical daily needs and, of course, empathy, mums just seem to be better wired. When I finally let go last year of this concept that I needed to be out earning, and gave myself permission to just go with the flow, it finally opened up the space for me to be me and for my partner to find his flow. I’m not saying all mums need to let go of earning. What I had built a career on was, as I said, soul sucking, I didn’t want to do it anymore. What I discovered I love to do – writing – wasn’t something I had the time nor energy to put towards building a career out of. I just wanted to do it and let the other part figure itself out naturally over time. Letting go of the need to earn allowed me the tiny bit of space I needed to pursue what I love at the same time as being the best mum I can be (and running the household and supporting my partner’s new business). Figure out what you need, without hanging your happiness on others. The best way to help those around you, is to get your own lifebelt on first. That is it, my best advice, is figure out who you are, then let go of all that you are not. It will allow others to be who they are and fill any gaps that arise in the process of you letting go. Parenthood is long haul, a marathon that most undertake without any training and find themselves fairly quickly hitting a wall. I have no idea why being a mum and all that means has been such a surprise really, but I wouldn’t change it. Parenthood is a journey, it can turn you inside out and tear you apart if you let it, or you can choose to be kind to yourself and those around you. I vote for kind. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. This is a hotly debated topic for many parents and grandparents today, high up there on the list of angst-ridden decisions. In my life it’s particularly relevant as my children attend a school where we are asked to “support their education by recognising the adverse developmental impact inherent in exposing children to the range of electronic media and cellular communication technologies”.
At first I had no issues with this, I have read and heard much about the detrimental effects of technology on a child’s growing brain, and don’t dispute there’s a definite impact. However, having undertaken my own inner journey these last few years, I wanted to get more clarity on this issue from a broader perspective. In a world where we are all connected, the internet being the closest – yet clunky – physical model of the energetic clay we are all molded from, I wanted to explore where this fits. Having written a lot about the nature of life as I am discovering it, from the inside out, this topic is just like any other. As always, take whatever resonates for you. Technology as a Tool Yes, I recognise the impact on young minds. Feel free to Google the wealth of information out there and come to your own conclusions on this. The perspective I have to add is that nothing is all bad. In fact, who is to say that any rewiring of the brain that deviates from what we previously considered normal isn’t a necessary step towards the future of the human race? Sure, I am glad my children attend a school where there are no devices used in the classroom until their teenage years, in school they are more focused on the natural world, providing a contrast. They live in a world surrounded by a majority – me included – who walk around with all-singing all-dancing devices in hand. Children don’t want held apart from these devices that suck up so much attention of the people around them; especially when they realise the value in them for switching off from all the judgment and restrictions around them, and lifting their own mood (see below). If you put restrictions on devices (or anything) kids get sneaky because they want what they want; just as we all do. Each one of us is born with this primal tool, to discern what we like and don’t like, our own unique relationship with the source within encouraging us along the path of our own highest intentions and desires. My own conclusion on the effects of technology on developing brains is simply that everything has its place and nothing is here without us – on some level – having desired it. That doesn’t mean I’d be happy for my kids to sit for endless hours watching TV or playing online games. If that was what they wanted to do I’d be taking a close look at the reasons why they felt the need for such high levels of escapism. Content We live in a world of contrast, the content available through devices simply reflects that. Sure, you can pay attention to the content that drives you to the depths of despair or to that which will fuel anger or hatred, you can even scare yourself half to death, or you can seek out content that will make you laugh, help you learn and grow, fill you with gratitude and joy and inspire you to greatness. I was given a poem called “a stranger in our home” by a teacher a while back. A stranger who swore and smoked and did everything that was not otherwise allowed or encouraged in the home, yet it flickered on night after night, year after year. There is no denying the messages that you send when children are exposed to so much. But in these days of ‘on demand’ there is no excuse for exposing them to such variety of contrast through technology. Life will come in to meet them all too soon and do that anyway. What really stands out for me when it comes to our kids though is the ability of the content to lift the mood. For tired, strung out children, I know a small dose of Peppa Pig soon has mine laughing. Also, the television doesn’t judge. Children know their own value and power better than we do and they are in disbelief when people they love so much constantly stand in their way, its classic escapism. Humans are so unpredictable, technology is so predicable, which is why young minds are attracted to it. Social Media This is a harder issue for many. When my partner and I took our family on a break recently, there was a moment down by the quayside in Wellington that we looked at the dozens of people sitting along there; side by side, every one literally absorbed in a device. I know the value of face to face communication and I have abhorred those sitting in a restaurant together yet completely detached, consumed in their own devices, with the best of you. But let’s not get all Footloose or Dirty Dancing here, these are different times. Specifically, these are different vibrational times, children today are translating the energy around them at a faster rate than ever, and their ability to discern in the bombardment for their attention is greater than ever – certainly much greater than ours. We were born into different generations, it’s an old story, previous generations have been slowing down the new for a long time, introducing resistance to ‘what is’. I can feel the momentum of the evolution of our species, consciousness becoming aware of itself. I don’t fully understand the part this transition to a new mode of communication plays in that bigger picture, but it certainly creates more connection. Overall, I’ve come to the conclusion it’s not my job to dictate to our children. It’s my job to love them, to help them discern their own alignment with their inner knowing by demonstrating mine - and to get the heck out of their way. So when it comes to technology, I’m really quite excited to see how the picture will evolve as these next generations use it to greater effect in a world becoming ever more conscious of itself. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. Walking through the department store I noticed yet another Disney doll on the shelves, unusually a Polynesian looking one. This was my first clue to the new Moana movie. I’m not a huge Disney fan, but I have to say Disney knocked this one out of the park. I laughed (hard), I cried, but most of all I was totally inspired.
“That was a big movie – and a big message – for a little girl” I said to my 6-year-old. It was great, a real ‘follow your heart, face adversity, and you will overcome and triumph’ theme. It’s the story of life really, except too many of us get totally put off by the adversity part. Do you ever find yourself making a resolution to change, then adversity hits and you use it as an excuse to keep yourself in a place you really don’t want to be? Moana kept feeling called to the sea, her father kept telling her it was too dangerous, it wasn’t for their people. “Fear will be your enemy” to steal a quote from another amazing Disney movie that teaches “love is the power that can overcome fear”. Fear is something we know a lot about, we get taught from day dot to ‘be careful’, that some version of doom will befall us if we don’t follow our parents’/school’s/society’s instructions. Threats and bribes are common parenting tools, I know, I use them all too often. Yet, in truth, if you are acting (or more likely not acting) out of fear, you can pretty much bet it’s not in your best interests. Talking to another parent this week, she was telling me that her 2-year-old asked what ‘free’ her sister’s friend was. She was referring to the commonplace gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free and so on mix of dietary preferences that proliferate these days. Disney often gets criticized for creating body mage issues with their weirdly caricature main characters (who look more like aliens to me these days with their disproportionately large and strangely shaped eyes). Yet, it was in talking to one of her ‘free’ friends that my 6-year-old repeated to me that if she eats a certain type of food she’ll get fat. There is validity in all of the choices people are making about diets, or anything else, but if those choices are being made from fear rather than inspiration, what message is that sending? Having young children, I am surrounded by parents who – like me - are trying to make the right decisions for their children, to do what is right. Perhaps we are overthinking it, and trying to make decisions for them is the downfall. One of the most primal tools we arrive with on this planet is our ability to discern what we like and don’t like, we know what is good for us. The heart wants what it wants for good reason, because happiness is the name of this game called life. We want our children to be happy, to be healthy and to be safe. It’s to this end we set about micromanaging every detail of their life instead of trusting they might know a thing or two about what is best for them. Many really believe that children cannot know what is best for them. It’s no wonder when that that message is the one we have been brainwashed with generation after generation. I used to tell my daughter “my number one priority is to keep you safe”. Nowadays I balk at the memory. Of course I don’t want doom to befall my kids, but I also know in trying to keep them ‘safe’ I am just thwarting their growth, keeping them from the freedom that they know is rightly theirs. My children attend a Waldorf school, which comes with a whole philosophy behind it courtesy of Rudolph Steiner. The ‘rules’ are interpretations of Steiner’s teaching in the modern day. There are many things I love about the school, not least the passion of those that teach there and the relative freedom my children have to learn in a way and at a pace I feel is more aligned with all I know about child development. However, most parents angst over the rules and philosophies and how to reconcile them with our families and cultural norms, we also angst over the many ‘frees’ and what that means for any social occasion, we angst over technology and its effects on the brain and socialization. Parenting could in fact by defined by the adjective angst. Yet despite our childhoods being less than perfect, here we are still breathing, living, figuring things out. In any moment we can make choices that will result in a happy and successful life. Perhaps we need to loosen up a little. I attended a traditional school in a concrete jungle. We had corporal punishment, we had no clue that there was any grain except wheat, we snacked on boxes of glucose powder at sports events, we thought oil would run out before the end of the millennium, and we thought Elton John was straight. We had strange ideas about the world by today’s standards, but hey, we are here. Damaged? Sure, but nothing that was beyond repair. Nothing is irretrievable. I’d like to limit the damage to my kids, but really, was there anything I endured that hasn’t made me a better, more knowledgeable, more compassionate person today? I’m not saying we should be deliberately irresponsible. I am saying, we all know what is in our own heart (our kids included). Just listen to those who face death, the number one regret of the dying is not truly living. Not taking the risks, not following their dreams, too much listening to all the people around them. We each are born with different dreams, different talents and gifts. This is what keeps the whole whole, it’s the diversity – and the adversity – that creates the richness life has to offer. Yes there are times we create a ridiculous amount of what could be viewed as unnecessary adversity for ourselves. If we had faith and belief in our own abilities we would indeed create our desired outcomes faster. However, no matter how much faith and belief you have, you will still face adversity. Think about it, it is necessary for you to grow. Let 2017 be the year you lock in on what is in your heart, that you help others to do the same without judgment. Expect good things to happen and, at the same time, trust that if adversity shows up it is there to help you. Listen closely to your heart; let love, passion and inspiration - not fear - be the things that guide you to your best life. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. Let’s get some stuff out the way upfront. I’m not saying they don’t love you. I’m not saying you are not important to them. Although there are some people who feel that way (children of parents who don’t love themselves). What I am talking about is the compromises and sacrifice people make to their own happiness in order to try to please others.
To be fair, I could have just put ‘people’ in the title instead of ‘parents’, but I see kids getting caught up in this often, especially younger people emerging into adulthood. You can shave years of unhappiness off your life if you really understand what I’m about to share. Let’s start by looking at the two versions of ‘you’. Everyone on the planet comes in the same way, we have talents, traits and perhaps intentions. We also know our worth. There is no question when you look at a newborn whether they know how worthy they are, you feel immediately that this child expects the world to meet its every need – now! So that is the unadulterated version of you. It’s the version you can feel into when things in your life are humming, you have clarity, you feel a sense of ease mixed with a surge of energy, and anything seems possible. For some those moments are completely foreign, but we have all had them, however fleeting. There are also ways you can learn to tap into them more often, meditation being the most effective if it’s practiced regularly. Then there is that other version, the only one that many of us actually recognise. The one that emerged as you grew, out of the expectations and (usually) well meaning your family, community and society placed upon you. It takes us about three 7-year cycles of learning to think as an ‘adult’ does – the first cycle is spent on simply trying to get your little body to function in this physical space, the next is invested largely in your emotional development, then in your teens your rational thinking mind starts to develop. This is simply to give context to the fact that we (as adults) often talk to our youngsters, and place expectations upon them, that they simply cannot meet. Forcing them to retards their development. In the very earliest years of their life, children are learning through imitation and experience. Those experiences are not interpreted in the same way we would interpret them in our rational minds. Instead, an example I often give, is a child who repeatedly witnesses their parents fight over money – depending on the child’s natural traits and the other experiences it is having, it may interpret that in many ways, from “relationships are bad” to “money is bad” and others in between. That is a tape that gets stored in the subconscious mind, attracting further experiences throughout life to reinforce it. Okay, so that is the basics. There are two versions of you, one is clear minded with talents, traits and intentions for your life, the other is created through experiences and runs the default subconscious tapes in your mind 90% of your day… until you become aware of it. Once you become aware that only perception is reality, and that your perceptions have been based on what everyone else wanted for and of you, you have the beginnings of an awareness that can empower you to move your life in a different direction. Back to the topic at hand then. Let’s say you are an aware parent, great, you will likely start to look at the whole process of child rearing through very different lenses. Recognizing that this little person you have brought into the world, or are responsible for bringing up in this world, is closer to their natural sense of who they are than you are to yours. And here is the point of all that. When you are in tune with who you really are, you feel good. When you feel good, you attract more of the same. It’s not that nothing bad ever happens, it’s that you see it through new lenses, with a broader perspective. You take note and thank the runny nose for its very real alert that you are doing too much right now. You take note when you have a near miss on the road, as I did this morning; it’s awake up call to something in your life. In short, you seek ways to feel good more often, it becomes a priority. You start to see ‘bad’ things in your life as welcome, they point to “wrong way” in your life’s intentions in very obvious ways when you learn to read the signs. It gives you clarity, and allows you to open up to the natural coincidences and synchronicities that are always unfolding towards your highest good. Our children have much to teach us, if only we could get out of their way. I can assure you if my own kids were capable of lending an aspect to this article they’d say “yes, when are you going to get out of our way mum?” All I can say is that I am practicing. I know that the minute I offer any resistance to their natural flow of wellbeing only bad things happen. You will notice that it’s our own fears that introduce the possibilities of negative outcomes into their sensory experience. Left to their own devices, in their natural flow of wellbeing, they could cross a 5-lane freeway unharmed – but what rational thinking parent with all our fears would? Our minds are a blessing and a curse. They are a blessing because they are our creative clay, it’s our thoughts and intentions that create our reality and you just need to be more conscious about it. So, for those of you who have stuck with me to this point, here is the point. Parents are people too. We have, as a society, been largely operating in a very unconscious way when it comes to all this ‘crux of life’ stuff. If you have parents who feel very conditional in their love for you, it’s what is considered normal. But I’m here to say it’s not natural to our wellbeing, and it’s not only unnecessary, it’s harmful. No person who has ever lived, nor ever will, will ever be truly happy if they rest that firmly on the shoulders of another. You cannot control another person or circumstance enough to ever find true happiness. Children you can never be ‘good’ enough to make your parents happy, you can never alter the conditions of your life enough in order to please them into their own bliss, it is not possible, stop trying. The irony is that most parents reading this would agree that all they want, in the end, is for their children to be happy. Immediately on the back of this will flow 4,086 opinions about what is necessary for that to be achieved. Of course, parents do know you well, but they are not you. They cannot save you from having your own experiences. Sure, we would like to wrap you up in cotton wool and keep you from all the bad stuff, but what would be the point? Seriously. Without a depth of experience in the darkest emotions, what depth can be found in joy? The only thing any of us have to offer another is inspiration. And the only way to inspire, is to reach consistently for the good feelings that flow within us if we let them. Last week I heard the most poignant statement I’ve ever heard “when you are free from your reaction to things you cannot control, you are truly free” (Abraham Hicks). Parents take heed, you cannot control how your child feels about anything, and none of us have that power to assert in another’s life. In fact, the only thing you can control is how you feel right now, in this present moment. Let’s stand back from the details of our children’s lives, and – as children – let’s not worry so much about pleasing your parents as pleasing yourself. It’s time for us all to be less worried about others and on the fruitless effort of controlling circumstances and conditions, and focus more on finding our own wellbeing in this moment and the next. This is where our best future lies. Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. I heard a story recently about a teacher who got her students to bring in potatoes. The task was to etch on each the name of the person or people who had wronged them and the hurt it had caused. Each student was then asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it around for a week, it could sit beside them when they were eating or sleeping, but they had to carry it everywhere it went.
This was simply an exercise in demonstrating the sheer burden of carrying all those negative emotions. The act of forgiveness does not mean you condone the actions that took place; it is an act of kindness towards yourself, an act of self love. Of course, many of us move beyond blaming others into the realm of blaming ourselves. Knowing we attract and create all our own experiences, who else can we blame? Blame is a fruitless emotion. There are only experiences to learn from, and you can only learn from experience, so let’s embrace the learning. Lately I have been thinking a lot about some of the younger people in my life who are beginning to grow up. In human development terms, as we enter our twenties, we begin to see the bigger picture of our lives a lot more clearly. Before this we are progressively climbing the mountain, seeing a little further with each year. Parents often wonder when they should stop parenting, it is then. In their early twenties your child has undergone their physical, emotional and intellectual development, each phase allowing them to climb the mountain a little further, to see more of life than purely their own needs. At this stage, they are atop the mountain. However, all along that journey, they can always feel within. So as ‘grown ups’ it is our job to help our children recognise and embrace their inner voice, their inner knowing. Teach them how to fish and they will never go hungry, teach them to tune in to themselves and they will never falter. Yet this is not the experience most of us have had. The default upbringing is to be treated as an empty vessel who must listen to those who know better. Parents, teachers, coaches, leaders, all fallible human beings with their own huge sack of potatoes that they are carrying like a ten ton weight. Well, let’s recognise that, and forgive ourselves. There is no lesson here for our younger generations, other than our example. Thinking about the younger people in my own life, there are a range of circumstances that they have had to deal with, some wonderful experiences and some outright horrific ones. This is called life, it’s the contrast that allows us to choose our preferences. My own less-than-perfect etch on the fabric of time has led me to a place of simply accepting the misdeeds of others as actions from a place of pain or disempowerment. I’ve come to realise that the one desire we all have is to feel happy, and any act is in response to that desire and the empowerment we feel. I see it when my kids come home from school, if one of them has had a hard time; they take it out on the other. That doesn’t make their action right, but knowing that anger feels better being ignored, at least they are moving in the right direction on the emotional scale. Those who are repeatedly exposed to repugnant experiences as children, who are powerless, are the ones who have the more marked responses later in life. But for most of us, we still carry some form of hurt that subconsciously attracts more of the same until we stand back and see the pattern for what it is. It is time to forgive ourselves, and others, for ourselves. To open up to the love that is our true nature, and to find that sense of who we are, which is always enough. It is from this vantage point we can start to live the best version of our lives. Forgiveness need not be an outward act, but it is always an inward one. It’s a shift in our own feelings towards something or someone, an act of letting the clouds roll on and the sun begin to fill you with warmth and light. So who do you need to forgive? Knowing I’ve helped in some way through my writing means a lot - I’d love for you to like, comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly at shona@shonakeachie.com, I’m always happy to help if I can. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and, as a special thank you, you will receive the link to my video 3 Steps to Becoming You. I was watching a documentary recently on a study known as “The Dunedin Study”, now the world’s largest and longest running study of human behaviour, or something to that effect. They have been following and tracking the development of more than a 1000 children born in Dunedin in 1972, and the study is now widely accepted as relevant to the entire western world.
The other night I attended a meeting at my daughters’ school, the head teacher made an interesting observation about how the children of today are different than the children who came to school 10 years ago, or 20 years ago. Therefore, as interesting as the Dunedin study is – especially to those of us born in 1972 – it’s really just a marker in time. Consciousness evolves, and today it is evolving at a faster rate than ever before. Why? Well first of all let’s say that why is less important than how we adapt. As the teacher said, the education system, especially for teenagers, has not changed much in the last 50-100 years. The examples that particular teacher gave were things like how open children’s eyes are, and how closed their ears. Anyone with young children or grandchildren at this time will likely be nodding their head fervently; cloth ears now seem the norm. These children are very visual, and pay the least amount of attention they can to what we have to say. Other examples she gave were of the introduction to their first teacher, children used to look in awe, now they want credentials; they want to know what their teacher did before and why they are doing this now. These no nonsense children are becoming stronger at maintaining their own will. I think it’s a marvelous change. Frustrating as a parent, of that there is no doubt. We, the parents, gain a new depth of understanding when we look at our own history. I am a 1972 child, born into an era where parenting still involved hitting, schooling still allowed corporal punishment. Control was king, will was to be broken. What the Dunedin study does demonstrate, beyond anything else, is how vital those early years are in shaping us as an adult. The accuracy of the predictions from kindergarten to adulthood in terms of success in life and and crime rates etc are phenomenal. Those early years are when your subconscious mind starts to develop. Given the limitations we experience as adults based on what our subconscious tapes are playing (bearing in mind your subconscious accounts for over 90% of the thoughts running through your head each day), your environment is important. Many of us in adulthood have learned some version of “you are not worthy” from those early years. While we are aware of the particularly destructive environments that, while too many are subjected to, form the minority of human experience, we are less aware of the chronic effects of ‘normal’ well meaning childhood experiences. Parenting is a skill like any other, we predominantly learn from experience; our own experience as children and, if we are open to it, the experience that our own children are giving us as they are growing up. Too often though we default to the behaviours that are most familiar, those we were brought up with. Thoughts drive choices, therefore behaviours, which then drives your experiences and emotions; this then perpetuates the same thoughts. So you go round the loop again reinforcing those old subconscious tapes that have a lifetime of examples to give you about why you are not worthy. In our well meaning, a true desire for our children to be safe, happy and healthy, parents try to control far too much of our children’s experiences. From what to touch, watch, play with, through to what you eat, who you see, what you wear, what you say. The underlying message for the child, however well meaning its intention, is that they are not worthy of making their own choices. And so it is we now breed children who will not listen, interesting isn’t it? Nature’s way of lessening the effects of what we ourselves have had to deal with in order to be happy and successful in our lives. We cannot deconstruct our subconscious, we can only become aware of the layers and layers and layers of beliefs that are now planted there that are not serving us. In a bid to find our authentic selves, to become the person we were born to be, we have to start creating new tapes to play in our head, tapes that reinforce the self worth we were born with. The number one regret of those who are dying is living life to the beat of another’s drum. Most wish they had done more of what they wanted to do rather than things to please others. The way we came into the world, the sense of self worth, of connectedness, of pure love and joy are all too quickly smothered. In their place develops the ego, the doubts and the inhibitions. As adults we have to deal with our own layers, and at the same time, try our best to allow our children to make their own choices. It’s a tough balance, but it seems we are being helped out. If children being born today are coming with some protection mechanisms in place, then that is good news. I need to be reminded in the moment. As I look at my upended lounge and see that the chairs have – for the third time in 24 hours – all been moved into the walk through area to create a ‘car’, my daughter promising to clear it all up before school, I sigh. I am far from perfect, like you I have layers. Like most of us, I’ve no doubt already created a myriad of them in my daughters’ subconscious minds. As frustrating as it is when you are trying to get a child to do something and they are just not listening, think about the future of that child, of our society. A society with children who have a healthy sense of self worth, who have a will and determination to see through their own path, is a society evolved from the one we live in today. It’s not to say its utopia, but it’s a step towards a world more conscious of itself. Being who we are, allowing our children to become who they are, is one of the kindest and most important things we can do for ourselves and our planet. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - shona@shonakeachie.com - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles (and even watch videos...soon), and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business. How do we walk the line between letting our kids make their own decisions and making them for them?
For ages my eldest daughter has been on at me to pick her up early from school. The other day, her sister had a bit of a cough, so I thought I’d go and pick them up early; give them both a bit of a rest. When I arrived at kindergarten, my youngest daughter was thrilled. When we went to collect my eldest, however, she looked miserable. She was in the kitchen helping the class assistant wash the lunch dishes, her friends were out in the garden playing. I explained that we were going home and she looked upset. “But I want to play with my friends” she cried. Okay, I thought, I didn’t see that coming; she’s obviously reached another developmental milestone where social engagement is becoming more important. “I can come back later?” I offered. But that made her more miserable. She wasn’t thrilled at the thought of her younger sister at home with mum without her there. Her solution was for me to stay, not really an option when her sister needed rest. Instead, I gave her a minute to think about whether to stay and play or to come with me. She decided to come, but cried all the way home for her friends. Afterwards it was suggested to me that perhaps I should just have made the decision for her. So the question arose in my mind, where should we draw the line between giving our children choices and making decisions for them? Here’s the dilemma, I know those early years are the making of our subconscious mind. Most of us have become limited in our adulthood as a result of our subconscious, the foundations of which lie in the (often) well meaning advice, rules and discipline from the adults in our own family and community as we were growing up. Think about your own life. Do you have beliefs about your own self worth, your ability to achieve things, which are holding you back from your dreams? Sadly that is called ‘normal’. It begins at birth; those early years are filled with experiences that communicate, at a sensory level, a lack of worth. Well meaning decisions made on our behalf, intended to keep our children, us and property safe from harm. Then begins the social training of what is and is not proper conduct. As children in their early school years start to develop more into their emotional selves, the messages about worth continue to accumulate in their subconscious, wrapping around their inner knowing, obscuring it. Then as they move into early adulthood, developing their thinking, more and more thoughts - attracted like magnets in the subconscious – become entrenched beliefs. Sadly, many of us in adulthood continue to buy into these thoughts about ourselves. We each think 60 – 70,000 thoughts a day, and apparently over 90% of those are just a repeat of yesterdays. The same thoughts lead to the same choices, the same behaviours, the same experiences and, therefore, the same emotions; which then perpetuates the same thoughts… Yet, anyone who has been around children knows we are born into this world with talents, traits, purpose even, and inner knowing that helps you to determine whether you are on or off track in terms of your life’s intentions, your intuition. Most importantly, we are born with a very healthy sense of self worth. As I reflected on that scenario when picking up my daughter, I realised there was no good all-round solution. Yes she was upset that neither of her options were perfect from her vantage point, but at least the disappointment that arose was born of her own choosing. Helping our kids deal with disappointment in a healthy ‘bounce back’ way is one of the most important things we can teach them. Allowing my child to be who she is, minimizing the ‘layers’ that obscure her self worth, is important. I know that true success in life comes from people like you and I being, well, the real us. Each week I post articles about how corporations can thrive and how individuals can have the life we deserve – which all stems from rediscovering the authentic person beneath those subconscious fears, worries and doubts. What if we can start to minimize these layers for our own children? Earlier in my daughter’s experiences at a local daycare centre, the children were served food and not allowed to bring their own. The lady who cooked was bound and determined to cook a variety of healthy meals for the children, driven by the lack of healthy choices she was given in her earlier years. Good intentions. Unfortunately though, my daughter was not interested in these healthy meals, she would much rather have eaten sandwiches. Until she was 18 months old, she gladly ate vegetables, but one day she just rejected them outright and – despite many attempts to reintroduce them – hasn’t yet returned to them. Her nature is such that forcing her to do something, creates an equal and opposite force of will in her to not comply. So where do we walk the line between allowing a child to self determine, and to make decisions for them? I can guarantee that there’s no one answer but it’s important to consider who the decision impacts. If it’s a decision that impacts a collective, until our kids are in their early twenties, they won’t fully have developed that capability. However, I can pretty much guarantee that most of us are on the side of the scale that intervenes way too much and makes too many decisions on behalf of our children. Each time this erodes our child’s self worth and adds layers. Ask yourself whether you are denying your child’s right to make their own decision out of convenience, or perhaps out of your own fears or lack of worth, or are you truly taking the broader perspective? I know I’ve all too often been guilty of the former. Unknowingly, the lady at my daughter’s old daycare spoke to everyone’s deepest fears “if we allowed each child to pick and choose, there would be chaos”. Would there? Or is that simply a fear we bear after having our own confidence and worth eroded? We are waking up to the fact that our limitations, our frustrations, arise largely from the subconscious negative and repetitive thought patterns in our mind. We are waking up to the fact that begins from birth and through those early childhood years. That means the tide is changing – with us. What an awesome responsibility. As in any changing of the tide, we are likely to go too far at times, especially since we often act from a point where we are not in harmony with ourselves. But in waking up to your own inner potential, inner harmony and inner knowing, you will start to look at your children through fresh eyes. With this new perspective you will more easily be able to walk that line, knowing when to allow your children freedom of choice or to make a decision for the collective, a perspective that only comes in adulthood when our job as parents is done. So when you can, allow children to make their own choices. They will be healthier for it, and grow into the kind of people our world needs more of. If you enjoyed this article you may enjoy reading Conscious Parenting and the article on food choices and diet. If we’re not already connected, just fill in your name and email at the top of the blog page to subscribe to my newsletter. I’d love for you to comment on, or share these thoughts with others, or contact me directly - shona@shonakeachie.com - I'm always happy to help. shonakeachie.com is both a place where you can continue to read my articles (and even watch videos...soon), and it’s a portal for potential clients to get insights and connect with my consulting and mentoring services. It’s aimed at those who want to create change in their life or those seeking to evolve their business. How to Revel In the Time with Your Kids (or People Acting Like Kids) When They Are Driving You Nuts4/24/2016 Recently I was at the park with some parents and their kids from my daughters’ school. As I watched, one of the parents picked her daughter up and was engaged in a conversation, on both of their faces was a look of sheer joy.
In that moment I was taken back to the time when I had my first child and the frequency with which I used to revel in her company. The contrast was so sharp with today’s relationship that, in that moment, a strong desire was born to get back to the place where I can revel. How was I going to fix it? Perhaps I needed to start by practicing what I write about I thought to myself ironically. Here I am writing each week about the criticality of feeling good above all else, and how my job is to feel good about the here and now, reaching for things in the present that feel the way I want to feel. So then the perennial thought arose about what a wonderfully imperfect being I am, and thank goodness or else I’d have nothing to write about. More accurately I’d have no room for growth, and I love learning and growth. The quickest way to revel in time with the kids is to look for the most positive aspects about that right now. simple but not easy at first. Write a list, every day, of the things you love about them. Urgh! I know, but it's the best way to focus. This was a struggle for me too, I could wax lyrical about the sugar that got spilled this morning, or the pancake that got wasted, or the sheets that need washed again but the good stuff…. what good stuff? Instead of focusing on, in essence, the things that create more work for us, it’s time to focus on the truly amazing beings they are becoming every day, Like when I tidying away the old baby wraps and muslins one night , wondering what the heck I was thinking adding these to the play pile, then shifted gear, wondering what the next magical thing will be that these cloths are about to become. One day they are a cape, the next a dolly wrap, the next a partition in a ‘house’ and the next a picnic rug. Each day now I write in a journal all the good stuff. It’s tempting to record the other things I mentioned for posterity too, but then that’s feeding the energy. If they are really driving you nuts you may have to go general to even get into it, like how they have grown or how great it is that, generally, they keep good health. Then it becomes easier to think about more specific things, which sparks memories of other things. Before you know it, 3 pages (each) get filled, when you really only need to do a side for each. But it’s creating momentum, positive momentum. As I said in How to Feel Good (Despite Your Kids, Employees or Coworkers) catching people doing the good stuff is the ONLY thing worth doing. You are energy, every thought, action and feeling has energy attached to it. Every time I catch them doing the bad stuff, it gives more energy to it. Even if you are better than most, and catch them doing the bad stuff and good stuff all you do is neutralise the energy. Plus every time I hear myself say “good tidying” or “good manners” or some version of “good job” I feel like a dog trainer and it just feels disingenuous. You are not, at your core, neutral energy. Your wellbeing depends upon you tapping into the good stuff, which means focusing on the more positive than negative attributes of anything. But what do you do when your kids are being unsafe, or are about to destroy property? Intervene. Break your attention to the dinner you are making, the floor you are vacuuming, the washing you are folding, the lawn you are mowing, the garden you are weeding, the thing you are building, the TV programme you are watching, whatever it is, resist the temptation to yell, physically intervene and steer them away from trouble. Remember, at the heart of our human wiring to learn is 'doing', experience and imitation, then layered with emotional intelligence in later years and only then thoughts (we tend not to act from a point of rationalising things out until the teenage years). The very reason we know “that will taste yucky” is because, at some point in our past, we put that in our mouths, or something like it. However, in the case of the unsafe stuff or the destroying property scenario, intervene. They will know from the tense arm and alert state you are in crossing the road that it’s something to watch out for, they will know by the swiftness of your movement to catch the teetering vase and the sigh of relief as you catch it that was not a fun game. Hence the saying “what you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say”. We could all take a lead from my daughter’s kindergarten teacher, who never yells at the kids or gives them a list of what they are not allowed to do, she just focuses on what she would like them to do and often just quietly takes their hand and leads them to something more constructive. And boy does she have command of that ship. All in all then, we need to reprogramme ourselves from all that we experienced and observed growing up, all our subconscious tapes... no small feat, but possible. Not by trying to erase the old tapes, they will remain, but to shift focus from them, by creating a different experience often enough. You will slip up, even on the day of writing this I admit that, upon finding my youngest 'cleaning' the sink with my facial moisturizer after spending two hours combing nits out of their hair was somewhat taxing, let's say I wasn't reveling. But forgive yourself, reset and try again. Focus on the great stuff, and build momentum on that. It’s time to seek out those joyous moments, revel in the experience of it, and keep following that path, getting in the flow of your own wellbeing. It starts with intention and desire, which – if you are still reading – you clearly have. So happy path finding. “I’m a parent? A journal to ponder the unfathomable circumstance that I somehow have offspring even though I have no idea what I’m doing…” This is the title of an inner truth journal I was given as a gift. Like many who start the journey wanting to be parents, I was full of hope and grand ideas, then with each step we take we realise how little we knew...
When I finally got, and stayed, pregnant (attempt number five) I remember a trusted friend saying “how wonderful, you can help your baby to be fully conscious”. Now, although I’d been on a bit of a spiritual journey, I really didn’t know what she meant – and obviously wasn’t ready to investigate as I didn’t ask – but I did know it wasn’t about keeping my baby out of a coma. Nowadays I write a lot about being who you are, who you were born to be – your fully conscious, completely authentic self. The main premise is that we come into this life with talents, traits, purpose even, then the process of ‘culturisation’ begins. We are taught what is socially acceptable in our various domains and the sense of self worth we are born with slowly starts to fade amidst the layers we adopt in order to fit in. ‘Conscious leadership’ has been talked about a lot lately, and ‘authenticity’. Recently I heard K.D. Lang say “authenticity is the new black”, that is great news because, without it, there can be no conscious leadership. The same applies to conscious parenting. Conscious parenting is, first and foremost, you being true to yourself. To raise a conscious child is to do your best to ensure they remain true to their own nature, to ensure you’re not adding to their ‘layers’. What intention have you set in your relationship with your children? How do you want them to feel around you? Today I heard Brendon Burchard give an example of sitting down with your child to do their homework with an intention to teach them the joy of learning, what a contrast to the way most of us have experienced this! Consider this. What if your life is simply the tip of the iceberg? What if the person that you see in the mirror each day is simply a physical expression of a much larger part of you that exists unseen, let’s call it your essence, or your soul, your inner knowing? Imagine you live many lives, each with its own purpose, but all about growth. As you grow, the universe grows, life evolves. You don’t retain the details of your many experiences - there is already too much crowding your brain, vying for your attention – instead you have an intuition, an inner knowing, that will guide you. Did you ever play a game to find an object where someone says “you’re warm” when you get close, or “you’re cold” when you’re off track. Like this, your intuition lets you know if you’re aligned to your true self, your true intention for this life, by how you feel; good or bad. So when you are feeling great, you’re in your slip stream, the life you chose for yourself. When you feel bad, you’re off track, it’s just not you. Learn to tune in again to your own intuition, we all have it and, importantly, affirm with your child their intuition. I recently heard Abraham-Hicks say “teach your children, if something feels ‘off’ to you, it is”. Simple yet powerful. Parenting for me has been an amazing journey so far, really a rebirth of myself too. When my first daughter was born I had no idea how I would parent her. I had my own experience to go by, that of friends and family, and had spent much of my thirties watching Super Nanny on the TV. I also knew enough from all the exposure and work I’ve done around personal development to know each person is as unique as a snowflake, so I figured I’d wait and see who this wee person was (that was about to arrive) and I’d wing it. When she started to emerge as a walking, talking human being, there were of course the splendid tantrums. Automatically we turned to ‘time out’… once… instinctively we dropped it. I saw something in my daughter’s eyes that stopped me, a light that faded. I realised that much of the parenting techniques I’d learned were about controlling behaviour, in effect that is the antithesis of what I wanted. Growing up I heard an expression that resonated so strongly I’ve never forgotten it: “what you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say”. I trust that my child knows right from wrong, there is much evidence to support that. Trying to teach our children what they already know seems fruitless to me. But to live a life of example, being who you were born to be, you will teach the same to your child. What an amazing gift to your children and to the world. This article was originally published on LinkedIn. |
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