So here’s the thing. I’m in a transition, the space between two worlds. No longer a driver survivor, having opted out of my corporate career. Yet, still at a point where there is only me motivating that part of my schedule I have to create, well, something. The bridge between negative momentum and positive momentum.
Making the shift from being driven to take action out of fear, to taking only inspired action, I’ve learned about the importance of getting myself in a good space to allow the things I want to flow.
When you are used to ‘being productive’ though, that conditioning attempts to suck you back in. The call of the subconscious mind, about lack of worth, with a lifetime or reinforcing thoughts, is easier to hear when there is space.
So then I think, what thought feels better than going over in my mind once again, on the edge of my subconscious, how we will pay next month’s bills? This is prime income earning time after all. Should I just go get something/anything to fill my time, something productive I vaguely think?
Argh, no, alarm bells go off somewhere. Been there, done that. There was a time when being at work felt better than being at home with the kids. I love my kids, don’t get me wrong, I just found those first years of parenthood both relentless and tedious; I wanted to use my brain. Yet it was slowly killing me, doing something that I knew was not all me.
I now know who I am. I know not to ‘keep myself busy’. I know – ah yes – that is it, I know that the best way to approach this space that has opened up is to focus on how I want to feel rather than what I should do.
Finally I get there.
Here’s what I want. I want to wake up feeling the anticipation of what each day might hold, I want to feel excited about what(ever) I am doing, to feel sated by the time I have to pick up the kids from kinde, sated enough that I am fully in the moment with my kids, yet hungry enough that when they go to bed that feeling of eager anticipation for the next day is already there.
I want to feel the way I felt when I saw the package from New Zealand Immigration land on my doormat nearly 11 years ago, after months of waiting for a response to my application for residency. I want to feel the way I felt when news arrived about long awaited university applications and job applications. I want to feel as I did when I awoke on Christmas morning as a child and stretched out my legs in the bed to see if I could feel the weight of a stocking at the end of it.
Now it’s flowing, Now I get it, it feels so much better than wanting to just fill my time, to keep busy.
I want to feel vital, alive with the energy I tap into when I’m in a really good space and things are just flowing. I want to feel like I’m allowing my children to go with their own flow. I want to feel the growth and expansion that comes from learning something new about this life. I want to be easy about things, to let them unfold. I want to feel the love and appreciation that I have for my family and my life and my friends and my work. I want to feel the bubbling excitement of a new email or phonecall or meeting that leads to something special.
I want to feel more of the amazement at what I’ve written when I read back an article I’ve just typed. I want to feel more of the tingles of the energy flowing back and forth as I explore a new topic with a friend or colleague, or the delight in the synchronicity of thoughts between my partner and I.
I want to feel more of the satisfaction in the home that we have made. I want to feel more of the raw gratitude I have every time I watch my kids get lost in their own world, joyously creating something from nothing moment after moment.
In reading this, can you begin to feel it? Focused energy, a sense of not compromising a single moment. Forget what you are going to do, figure out how you want to feel.
If you feel as bad as I once did, some of these feelings might just be beyond where you dare reach for right now. If your thoughts about where you are currently are so bad, reach for something, anything, that feels better. If you are coming up with things that make you feel worse, that is an indication that you need to be more general and less specific.
For example, we all know that everything in life is temporary, that circumstances change. If that is your best starting point, so be it. Take it from there, reflect like I did on some of the best feeling moments in your own life, and start to take back your power to control how you think and feel about life.
Vital and alive. This is how I want to feel about my life, today and every day. How do you want to feel about yours?
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